Emotional Intelligence 101: Add EQ to IQ for success and happiness!

Powerful vs. Powerless

We are absolutely powerless to change others.

But we are absolutely powerful to change ourselves.

- M.K. Doc Downing, Ph.D, LMFT

Love is a Decision

Yesterday we talked about Love or Fear, Take your Pick.  Well, it turns out that there are whole schools of personal growth who believe that there are ONLY 2 emotions:  Love and Fear.

One of the books that helped change my life was Gerald Jampolsky's "LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR".  This book described in a simple, 12-step process, how to "Let Go" of both long-term and current Fears, in an effort to expand our ability to Love.  He has some other powerful books, too, so click the link at Amazon and read on...

If Depression is based on Anger, and Anger is based on Fear, that means most negative feelings are Fear-based (except Sadness, which I'm not sure about -- ideas?).

So, what if there really were only 2 feelings? 
What if ALL negativism is based on Fear?

Seems to me, we had better get a HANDLE on our Fears, wouldn't you say??

Love or Fear – take your pick

There are 2 basic ways to live your life...

FEAR-Based:  Afraid of what MIGHT happen, and what other people MIGHT think of you.

- or -

LOVE-Based: Full of life, with people around you, and oodles of love for yourself and others.

You are TOTALLY in control of which way you choose to live.

Are you gonna live your life based on Fear?
or
Are you gonna live your life based on Love?

(the cool part is that you get to decide!)

Where is your Focus?

Here’s a new one…

Guilt is about the Past.
Shame is about the Present.
Fear is about the Future.

* We might feel Guilty about something we DID, or DIDn't do, in the past.
* We might feel Shame about who we are, in the moment.
* And we experience Fear of things that MIGHT happen, in the future.
interesting, ey? Helps with perspective.

I've been present-based (Shameful), while others are more past-based (Guilty) or future-based (Afraid).

I've been very present-oriented, so being Shame-based has effected me the most. I'm an Aries and impulsive and into instant gratification, so the fact that I feel a level of Shame every moment of every day (less now) is life-trashing for me. I don't have tons of Guilt from my past (well, some actually, but the Shame's much bigger) and I don't have too many Fears about the future (usually). I'm learning to show up as who I am, everyday, in every way, and trying to feel Proud of myself along the way.

Where is your focus?

I’m not showing off, here

I’ve been out there in the Feeling trenches for over 20 years now -- digging through anguish, pain, rage, sorrow, grief, guilt and shame.

The good news is that we do it in a way that encourages the positive and manages the negative, where I am doing my part to help people feel better about themselves and their lives, forever.

this stuff just comes to me, so I report it to you. 

that is my agreement with my higher power.  that is my “job”.

when my body needs to scream… I let it.

we have found some amazingly simple, practical, common-sencicle ways of being happy… it’s called Dealing with your Feelings.  directly and maturely.

that’s it, bottom line.

it’s not much more complicated than that.

• when our body needs to go to the bathroom, we don’t fight it.
• when our body wants to rest, we let it (well, most do).
• when our body is hungry, we feed it without a fret.

… but when our body needs to cry, oh my gosh, it’s this big dramatic thing >> ! ! >>

• if my body needs to cry… know what I do? …  I let it.
• when my body needs to scream… I make sure that I can let it.
• when my body needs to crash (the famous perelstein pause)… i let it.

… my secret?  I Accept and Encourage the little boy inside of me.

Reward?  my body seems to appreciate the freedom. I make it safe for myself to feel safe and to feel whatever I need to, as deeply as I need to, for as long as I need to.  As a result, by body tends to let go of any negatives amazingly quickly.

I am then free to return to my “natural state” -- happiness and cool-nicity!

- matt

p.s- besides, my feelings are my #1 most entertaining thing in my life!  what could mean more to me than me?  I watch me, I experience me, I observe me, and I challenge me.  I love my life and I am never bored.

Speaking of Maslow…

… and speaking of Maslow, let’s take a look at his:

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs.
1.  Food, Water & Air
2.  Personal Safety, Shelter & Security
3.  Belonging & Emotional Safety
4.  Self-Esteem
5.  Self-Actualization

or per the Learning Fountain…

1. PHYSIOLOGICAL - Basic living needs, such as food, water, oxygen and sex.
2. SAFETY - Once physiological needs are satisfied, you need to have a home and other forms of security.
3. BELONGING - So far you have taken care of yourself. Once you do this, you look to make friends, find someone to love and in general feel part of a community.
4. SELF-ESTEEM - You need self-confidence, to be appreciated for what you are and be treated with dignity.
5. SELF-ACTUALIZATION - This is the highest level. Once your basic needs are supplied, you seek ways to reach your highest potential.

The one that surprises me is that BELONGING is #3… even above Self-Esteem (wow!).  That means that the Group is even more important than the Self. 

• Sociology > Psychology.
• Relational EQ > Internal EQ. 
• Families, and Friends, and Groups, and even Gangs are better than Aloneness.

Let’s all pull together as Americans, shall we?!?

Self-Actualization

I believe I have met people who are truly Self-Actualization, in maslow’s context.  in fact, i believe i am one.

• it’s about being as happy as you can possibly be, given your circumstances.
• it’s about feeling fully expressed and fully present, pretty much all the time.
• it’s about knowing ourselves, accepting ourselves, and enjoying ourselves, to the fullest.
• it’s about finding the positive, in a world of negatives.
• it’s about love, joy, peace, and yippee-doodle-ness.

wanna learn to be Self-Actualized, too?  we can show you.

i love who I am now

i love who I am now (didn’t used to).
    I love who I have become.
    no, I'm not perfect, far from it.
    but even better than perfect, I am Accepting of me.
    If i do good, i praise me.  if i don't, i reprimand me (but not too harshly).  

We: there's an adult me
    and a kid me.
    both help each other.
    both support each other.
    … and sometimes, We try to figure out together how to NOT do some things, ever again.
        it’s working so well, it can be down-right peaceful inside, some times.

know what the difference is in NDers vs. non-NDers?
NDers like themselves more.
    NDers accept themselves more, and better, than most.
        NDers know what they're feeling.
        and whatever the feeling is...
        this too shall pass.

we allow feelings
    we accept feelings
        we express feelings (sometimes just for a sec, but being willing and able to "touch your feelings", they are instantly free to shift and change, and disappear!)

yes, that IS what I am saying...
    allowing feelings, gives us freedom
    touching our feelings, brings us passion and life
    accepting our deepest feelings, is accepting ourselves and our bodies in a most respectful way.

Adversity makes us stronger (if we let it)!!
    go (i cry, scream, shake, feel, quake, ahhh!, scream again, then cry, and release.  poof, i feel 10,000x better.  lighter, more open, brighter.

it seems easier to get into the feeling, when thinking of specific angers and resentments
    but the big negatives can be done en masse, too.
    let go of all anger and resentment.  i cry for all my sadness.  i depress from all my pressures and stressors.  all at once.  bundle ‘em up, let ‘em get big, let ‘em come out, then say bye-bye.

in reality, feeling the big Negatives not only releases them and away they go, it also ENHANCES the positive feelings, often creating a sense of Euphoria, passion, and often, Intense Love!!

To process negative feelings, i try to...
KAERR - pronounced: Care  
    KAERR enough about ourselves and others, to get Results in our lives.

    Know
        find it, ask it, look for it (they're there!) -- >>
    Accept
        allow it, be ok with it, watch it, understand it, empathasize -- >>
    Express
        be it, feel it, enjoy it, allow it to become me and me to become it -->>
    Release
        learn from it, listen to it.  heed it's warnings and messages.  let go of the self-pity, any victim thinking, and all need for drama in my life. -- >>
    Results
        create from it, allow it to motivate me to do good things, to help out, to give a damn about ourselves and others.   

---
the big thing that Tony Robbins does is he tells people we have a choice, we can choose how we live… and we can choose GREAT Stuff, happy stuff, powerful stuff.

we ordered his Ultimate Edge mega-tape set last night.
    $14.95 + $14.90 shipping for 30 days.
    if keep it after 30, it's $99/mo. for 3 months (not likely)
    he’s one of the very best, and I want to see how he does it.

---
Caring about me, and caring about others, to me, is pretty much the same thing.
    I cannot be mean to others without disrespecting myself... I am not willing to do that.
    so i choose to be nice and to give.    it serves me.    it serves others.   perhaps maybe it's right.

$3.3M Club

I am planning to amass $3.3 Million, and I will not stop until I do.

I believe that will be enough money to handle all my family’s needs now and in the future. 

I will not stop there, but the rest I will give away.

I just officially started a $3.3M Club for all of us who are committed to the same goal.  We will help each other to amass our fortunes, together.  then we will give the rest away, together.

Won’t you join me (no charge, guys are already joining)?

- matt

 

why do it alone… it’s harder and much less enjoyable that way.