Emotional Intelligence 101: Add EQ to IQ for success and happiness!

Take Control of your Life, Emotionally, in 3 Steps

1. Get a Clue:  Open your eyes, to the fact that our Feelings and Emotions VERY MUCH affect our life, and require attention, respect and management.
2. Get a Grip:  Learn about yourself, how you operate, how you’re wired, how you function best, how you function worst.
3. Get a Life:  Take control of your self, your behaviours, your mind, your hart and your body.  That’s pretty much ALL we can control, but you’ll be amazed at how much control we actually do have!

Types of Emotion

Emotion, for the purpose of building boundaries, expressing values, and keeping yourself and your loved ones safe = PERSONAL POWER
Emotion, for the purpose of loving, giving, understanding and healing = COMPASSION
Emotion, for the purpose of connecting and expressing to others that you know and appreciate what they feel = EMPATHY
Emotion, in order to release, and heal = VENTING
Emotion, for the purpose of closeness, openness and intimacy = SHARING
Emotion, for the purpose of feeling fully and living fully of one's self = EXPRESSION
Emotion, without content, or resolution = DRAMA
Emotion, for the purpose of hurting others, getting them to 'like' you or for emotional blackmail = MANIPULATION
Emotion, for the purpose of making things happen and changing the world = PASSION
Emotion, for the purpose of changing people, and getting them to do things your way = CONTROL

My two worlds Collide…

(In writing my bio for a new project, I realized that the two very different areas of my life are finally coming together.)

Matt has been designing and building database software applications for over 20 years, both as a programmer/analyst and a project manager.  Matt specialty is in determining client's needs and building the software to meet or exceed those needs.  He has worked as a computer consultant to 14 California State agencies, 2 States, the federal government, 4 cities/counties and over 50 private corps and non-profits. 

On the soft-skills side, Matt has a passion for personal development training and education.  For those same 20 years, he and his wife Paula have taught an intensive self-esteem workshop designed to improve self-esteem, develop emotional intelligence and teach important life skills.  Working with a therapist, Doc Downing, Ph.D., LMFT, he is a prolific writer and lecturer on mental health and self-improvement.

Matt believes that his combination of left-brain computer knowledge and right-brain emotional intelligence, allow him to offer a balanced, complete skill-set and succeed in all areas of

work and life.

Technorati Tags: self-help,development,matt perelstein,computer consulting

ND in MD?

Q:  Matt and Paula,
Wow, this sounds like a great weekend! What would it take, in terms of students and space to have you give a weekend workshop in Maryland?
Blessings,
A in MD

A:  Not that much, really, A in MD. Not that much, at all…
We were just discussing this the other day… how LITTLE we need to make these huge emotional life changes in people!

Space and such:  We need a room that sits about 30, but not too big or the energy gets lost. ~1,000-1,200 sq. ft. empty room (ours is 33x33).

• We get kinda loud sometimes, so we’ve had the best luck in office buildings, where all the neighbors are gone on the weekends.
• We need chairs for these folks… but not too comfortable, ‘cause it’s not a sit-around-and-watch, kinda class. Big emotions and big feelings are best done standing up, in small groups, or laying in someone’s arms (imho).
• A few tables would be nice to stow personal stuff and to provide water and coffee.
• Some big pillows would be helpful. Removable coach pillows work fine.
• A whiteboard is good. We’ll bring the binders and the books and the pencils.
• We’ll bring the music (for breaks and celebrations), if you could provide a stereo with a CD player, even a nice boom-box would do.
• We pin on a personalized wooden heart during their Breakthrough celebration in class (woohoo!), so we create those the day of.  And we give out printed diplomas, and a rose, at graduation.
• And we do a roster of all the class participants so they can stay connected with each other after class.  This can be done on a laptop, so we'll need to be able to print and collate copies to be given at graduation.

That’s about all it takes… and even some of that is optional!  In reality, all we really need for a quality, life-changing experience is a group of semi-willing people to hang out with semi-comfortably for a few days, in a room where we can make some noise (without alerting law enforcement).

Students: It takes 10 students minimum to make a good class, 25 max (although we had 29 in our last class, biggest ever, and it turned out Great – the energy was/is awesome and that class is tighter than most, afterwards!).

One challenge is that we do such amazing work in large part due to the energy, and role modeling, of our Assistants… graduates who come back to help others experience what they did, and to continue their own emotional healing work (some have been coming 15-20 years now). these guys have been to the very depths of their most intense feelings, and are willing and able to go there, quickly and easily, as needed, with and for students. (wait ‘til you meet these guys/gals). My point is, in order to have a super good class, I’d ask that we get 2-4 of our “pros” to come with, to help us make a quality experience. They don’t need to get paid, per se, but if could ‘cost’ them as little as possible, that would be optimal.

• Paula and I will be there for $4k for the weekend.
• We’d need airfare and hotel and eats.
• And as I said, I’d like the same for some Assistants.
• Total: I’m estimating that’d be about $6k, give or take...
• Therefore, at $399 each, we’d need 15 students to make it work.

Does that sound doable?
Who is your target audience?
Who are you? (just playin’, but really, tell me some about yourself and your ideas…)

Hope we can make this happen. We’re on a mission to spread the good word about how cool Emotional Intelligence can be… and I’ve never seen anyone teach it, and live it, the way we do. (plus, if you’re having a class in Maryland, perhaps I could invite some of my old high school friends from Virginia!)

- Matt

Technorati Tags: workshop,self-help,emotional intelligence,breakthrough,feel better,feeling,emotion,healing,growth,love,depression,joy,peace,freedom

ND in MD?

Q:  Matt and Paula,
Wow, this sounds like a great weekend! What would it take, in terms of students and space to have you give a weekend workshop in Maryland?
Blessings,
Alison

A:  Not that much, really, Alison. Not that much, at all…
We were just discussing this the other day… how LITTLE we need to make these huge emotional life changes in people!

Space and such
We need a room that sits about 30, but not too big or the energy gets lost.
~1,000-1,200 sq. ft. empty room (ours is 33x33).

• We get kinda loud sometimes, so we’ve had the best luck in office buildings, where all the neighbors are gone on the weekends.
• We need chairs for these folks… but not too comfortable, ‘cause it’s not a sit-around-and-watch, kinda class. Big emotions and big feelings are best done standing up, in small groups, or laying in someone’s arms (imho).
• A few tables would be nice to stow personal stuff and to provide water and coffee.
• Some big pillows would be helpful. Removable coach pillows work fine.
• A whiteboard would be good. We’ll bring the binders and the books and the pencils.
• We’ll bring the music (for breaks and celebrations), if you could provide a stereo with a CD player, even a nice boom-box would do.
• We pin on a personalized wooden heart for people during their Breakthrough celebration in class (woohoo!), so we create those the day of. … and we give out printed diplomas, and a rose, at graduation.
• And we do a roster of all the class participants so they can stay connected with each other after class.  This can be done on a laptop, and we'll need to be able to print and collate copies to be given at graduation.

That’s about all it takes… and even some of that is optional!  In reality, all we really need for a quality, life-changing experience is a group of semi-willing people to hang out with semi-comfortably for a few days, in a room where we can make some noise (without alerting law enforcement).

Students

It takes 10 students minimum to make a really good class, 25 max (although we had 29 in our last class, biggest ever, and it turned out Great – the energy was/is awesome and that class is tighter than most, afterwards!).

One challenge is that we do such amazing work in large part due to the energy, and role modeling, of our Assistants… graduates who come back to help others experience what they did, and to continue their own emotional healing work (some have been coming 15-20 years now). these guys have been to the very depths of their most intense feelings, and are willing and able to go there, quickly and easily, as needed, with and for students. (wait ‘til you meet these guys/gals). My point is, in order to have a super good class, I’d ask that we get 2-4 of our “pros” to come with, to help us make a quality experience. They don’t need to get paid, per se, but if could ‘cost’ them as little as possible, that would be optimal.

• Paula and I will be there for $4k for the weekend.
• We’d need airfare and hotel and eats.
• And as I said, I’d like the same for some Assistants.
• Total, I’m estimating that’d be about $6k, give or take...
• Therefore, at $399 each, we’d need 15 students to make it work.

Does that sound doable?
Who is your target audience?
Who are you? (just playin’, but really, tell me some about yourself and your ideas…)

Hope we can make this happen. We’re on a mission to spread the good word about how cool Emotional Intelligence can be… and I’ve never seen anyone teach it, and live it, the way we do! (plus, if you’re having a class in Maryland, perhaps I could invite some of my old high school friends from Virginia!)

- Matt

Technorati Tags: workshop,self-help,emotional intelligence,breakthrough,feel better,feeling,emotion,healing,growth,love,depression,joy,peace,freedom

WE MUST WAKE UP!!

There’s a Sense of Urgency missing from our message!
The basis for the problems in our society today is that:

We as a People are Emotionally Clueless!

We talk about Feelings 'cause it makes us Feel better, but people are DYING, quite literally and figuratively, because they don't know what we know…

• EVERY Suicide is Emotion-based. -- EVERY SINGLE ONE!
  
• Most Crimes are Emotion-based.

In fact,

• All Sex is emotion-based.
• ALL Rapes are emotion-based.
• ALL Murders are emotion-based.
• All Molest is emotion-based.
  
• All Alcoholism is emotion-based.
• All Drug addiction is emotion-based.
  
• All Divorces are.
• All Abuses are.
• All Violence.

The problems in these areas show our lack of emotional knowledge and training… and that's a sad and dangerous thing.  No generation until now has understood that EVERY BEHAVIOUR we do, is based on our feelings and emotions… every one… so if we want to have Any control of ourselves and our lives, we'd better know and understand how Feelings work, and how we MOTIVATE ourselves to do what we do, based on our feelings.

Please learn more, and please spread the word of the importance of EQ.   IQ + EQ = Survival!

- Matt

Technorati Tags: emotional intelligence,mental health,depression,anger management,self-improvement,laugher,joy and love

EQ is about Knowing

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is about:
    - knowing how we feel
    - knowing that we feel (and the importance thereof)
    - knowing what we know,
and more importantly, knowing when we don't know.
(and being able to admit it, at least to ourselves)
    - knowing how to communicate
    - knowing how to listen
    - knowing how to feel
    - knowing how to deal
    - knowing how to be real
    - knowing how
    - knowing

Emotional Intelligence Questions (part 2)

• Who or what are you Angry at?
• Who or what Hurt you the most?
• Who or what are you most Afraid of?
• What is keeping you from Releasing the pain?

Emotional Intelligence Questions

• Do your emotions work for you, or against you?
• Do you find yourself Repeating unhealthy behaviours, and don't know why, or how to stop them?
• Are issues from the past ruining your present day life?
• Does your life feel out of control?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you could use more Emotional Intelligence (EQ) training.  You probably have plenty of Mental Intelligence (IQ) training… but what about the OTHER HALF of your life?!?

Learn, grow, feel, connect, smile!

- Matt

Ground / Visualize / Pray

Every day, at 6am, I set a message to remind me to stay centered.  It says “ground / visualize / pray”.

3 Steps to Making Life Work

1. Ground myself – get back in my body, notice my feelings, open my eyes, and make myself teachable
2. Visualize - what do I want?  what would be Excellent?
3. Pray - give thanks, ask for help, release it all, and enjoy the ride!

it’s helping…

Are you Bored?

Shutting down feelings leads to boredom, irritability, grumpiness and depression.  Allowing ourselves to feel leads to passion, excitement, fun and love.

Let’s open our hearts to Feel, and Live!

“Anyone who is bored with life has probably forgotten his or her dreams.“

- David Schwartz

My Emotional Lessons

What I'm working on, emotionally, right now:
what are your top 3 things?

1. Focus, Fear, and Finishing

• stay Focussed on only 1 or 2 goals at a time.
• bust thru my Fears, and limiting belief systems
• If I start it, FINISH it (unless there's a damned good reason not to).

2. Embarrassment

• I just went thru an Angry spell.  It wasn't that much fun, and I wasn't that much fun to be around.
• I've been able to work thru most of it and it's dissipating...
•    but now I'm embarrassed.
• I'm embarrassed about where I'm at, professionally.
• I'm embarrassed about being inflexible and outta-shape (well, I can play racquetball like a mad-man for 3 hours at a time, but I can't touch my toes, or do 50 sit-ups)
• I'm embarrassed about how I've treated Paula, and some others.  whether i feel righteous or not, it's time to grow-up in some areas.
• I'm trying to USE my embarrassment as a motivational tool… to make me better (Doc says there are three feelings that are the main motivators for change:  Anger, Embarrassment and Fear)

3. Not being so externally other-directed.

• I'm a true co-dependant, right to the core, and it's not really working for me.

Who are your Role Models?

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being.  Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light. 

- Albert Schweitzer

We can find role models anywhere –- friends, family, famous people, infamous people, movies, stories, our imagination – literally, ANY where!

So, who are YOUR role models?
In what way do they exemplify your ideas?

IQ + EQ = LOL !!

In schools, they teach us the 3 R’s: Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic.
But that’s only teach HALF of what we need!

Our feelings, heart and soul (EQ) is at least as important as our brains, knowledge and logic (IQ). 

Everything we do, and everything we are, is based on our Feelings and Emotions.  We can’t NOT deal with ourselves.  We are here, and WE ARE GOING TO FEEL… like it or not.

Our feelings are totally natural, god-given, body-driven factors that we DO have to deal with.

But, Emotions have a bad rap, too.  If we don’t know ourselves, and how we work inside, our feelings can seem like out-of-control beasts, to be avoided at all costs.  But,

• What if we could Harness our Anger, and direct it where it needs to go, and away from those who don’t deserve it?
• What if we could Embrace our Fear, and learn from it, get the message our body is trying to tell us, and then make bold, courageous, strong decisions whether to fight thru the fear, or turn tail and run?
• What if we could even use our Depression, not as a horrible dark abyss, but as a Tool to rest, to let down, to not-give-a-damn for awhile, while our body can relax and rejuvenate?

Feelings and Emotions are a Good thing, not a Bad thing.
In fact, they are one of THE most important things!

Understanding and Dealing with our Feelings and Emotions is the key to Happiness, and Success in Life!

Let’s Be Smart with our Heart, and use our IQ to enhance our EQ.

Wanna laugh more?
Wanna love more?
Wanna feel lighter and more free?
Wanna feel in control of yourself and your life?

 

IQ + EQ = LOL !!

 

Wanna learn more?

• get Doc’s book in our store
• subscribe to free email series (EQ lessons & awesome Quotes)
• consider coming to one of our amazing EQ weekends
  (ND – Fresno, California / MBB – Wanganui, New Zealand)
• leave a comment (below)
• or contact me just to say “Hey!” and/or “I agree”.

Need Something Bigger to Believe In?

Dramatic increase in Americans declaring “No religion”

AP HARTFORD, CT - A new report finds that American adults who claim “no religious affiliation” increased from 14 million in 1990 to 34 million in 2008.

It says most of the religiously unaffiliated in the U.S. are not atheists, but "embrace philosophical and theological beliefs that reflect skepticism rather than overt antagonism toward religion."

EQ.

I'm Amazed ... and Proud!

Hello Everyone, this is Cheryl Montgomery-Nolan posting from New Zealand. We just facilitated our version of "Class" this past weekend, and I am truly astounded by the courage I saw. It can be difficult to talk about, much less to actually feel the feelings that we want to ignore, can't it? But once again those baby steps were taken and great strides were achieved by our students. I am so proud of them all, I just had to boast! All of us doing this work are blessed. We rock!

Stop and Smell the Roses

“We're so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget that the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it's all about.”

    - Joseph Campbell

"Learn to pause... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you."

- Doug King

Attitude is Everything!

“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” 

- Viktor Frankl

Our attitude is one of those wonderful things in life that we have 100% control over!  We can always adjust/improve our Attitude.

Playing the Victim

"People are only a victim the first time. 
After that they are a volunteer!"

- Thomas Leonard (the late, great coach t)

Ouch, but true.  If we don’t know what’s going on inside of us, and around us, we can end up playing the victim a LOT!

---

Sign up for Cheryl’s daily Quotes-4-Life series… They’re wonderful reminders and profundities!  (no charge)

EQ Answers

These are some of the situations where EQ can help.

• Are you feeling the Downs, but not the Ups?
  Are your feelings kinda Flat or Tamped down?
  Would you like to experience more Highs in your life?
• Want to find out how Choose your Feelings better?
  Do you feel that you are a Victim to your feelings... like they do what they want and you can only Re-act to them?
• Do you feel angry, much of the time?
  Do you feel down and sad, much of the time?
  Do you have a basic Fear, or two, that always just under the surface, most/all of the time?
• Are you totally Disappointed about something?
  Are you where you want to be in your life, and feel Stuck-ola?

Take our class, and after, you will have GOBS more control over your life.

love

what indeed is love? a warm and tender feeling in the pit of your stomach? a feeling of compassion for another?

all the above and much much more . from the rays of sunshine on your face to the breaching of a whale and the sound of a baby cooing and laughing .

it is what connects us to one another and to the beautiful planet we live on ! it is the core of Creation . it is what keeps us united as a people and as a family.

to keep it in our heart we must water and nurture it because love like fruit needs time to ripen. if you want to kill it just attach conditions and demands to it and expectations. all are reasons for anger and ultimately will destroy the love

emotional intelligence test

Here’s a quick, 7-question quiz, to determine your basic level of EQ.

How well do you deal with your Feelings and Emotions?
Rate yourself between 1 and 5 in each of the following seven areas.
1: not at all          3: so-so         5: totally and completely

1. Awareness
When your body feels something (fear, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, etc), how much do you notice and affirm your feelings?

        1       2       3       4       5

2. Identification
When you notice that you’re feeling something, how well can you Identify or Name the feeling you are having?  How well can you separate them (for example, fear and anger)?

        1       2       3       4       5

3. Acceptance
How "Ok" with you is it when you feel mad, or sad, or afraid?

        1       2       3       4       5

4. Expression
How well do you express your feelings and let them out, as opposed to stuffing or bottling them up inside?

        1       2       3       4       5

5. Release
Once your body feels a negative, yucky feeling, how well can you Let Go of that feeling and let it dissipate?

        1       2       3       4       5

6. Replace
How skilled are you at replacing "negative" feelings (anger, sadness, grief) with more "positive" ones (love, joy, peace)?

        1       2       3       4       5

7. Rejoice!
How well do you encourage and respect your feelings, complementing yourself for your awareness and expression?

        1       2       3       4       5

Scoring:  Add up your 7 answers to this emotional intelligence test.  If your score was between:

25-35    Excellent. 
You are fully aware of what's happening inside you.    Way to go.... my guess is that you are pretty darned happy, in general.

15-25   So-So. 
There's still plenty to learn.  There's a whole world inside you that you may not be fully aware of or have access to.  Do some work in this area and you will find more color, life and depth to your life!

0-15    Yikes!
You're clueless, and probably in pain!  Get help, fast.

To learn more:

• Read the other posts in this blog.
• 7 Steps to Healing Feelings:
  http://www.NewDirectionsWorkshop.com/docs/7StepsToHealingYourFeelings.pdf
• New Directions Weekend EQ Intensive
  http://www.NewDirectionsWorkshop.com

How did you do?  What do you need help with?

- Matt

Great Quotes

“BITTERNESS is like cancer. It eats upon the host.
But ANGER is like fire. It burns all clean.”
- Maya Angelou

 

“Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here we might as well DANCE!”
- Maya Angelou

 

“The honorary duty of a human being is to love.”
- Maya Angelou

 

“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
- Maya Angelou

 

"The world breaks us all. Afterward, some are stronger at the broken places." 
- Ernest Hemingway

Happiness Quotes

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket, keep it

in your own." 
 

---

"Happiness isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...   It's about learning

how to dance in the rain" 

We Are The World

Here’s one of the greatest songs ever recorded! 

I just found this link on Twitter yesterday, but I’ve now listened to it about 10x, REALLY LOUD… and it still gives me chills (with all those amazing artists, it’s Cyndy Lauper’s climax that always gets me!).

I saved it as a Favorite, for an instant pick-me-up and to remind me what it’s all about.

Enjoy!

“It’s true we make a better day, just you and me.”

It’s about us!

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

- Robert Muller

Forgiveness is for US, not so much for the person we’re forgiving!
Love is for US, not as much for the person we’re loving!
Giving is for US, not as much for the person who is receiving!

conclusion:  It really is ALL ABOUT US.

Feel It to Heal It.

We've found ways to safely & profoundly Feel & Release big negative feelings, both past and present, to bring Relief (often permanently).

These concepts were first developed by Alfred Adler, Sigmund Freud's partner.  Adler found babies are born "clean" - happy, powerful, totally in touch with emotions - but pain builds as we grow and is stuffed in our body

to return to "natural state", all we gotta do is Allow our bodies to Feel feelings as intensely as they were felt, & they Magically subside

sooo...

1. IDENTIFY what our body feels,
2. ALLOW ourselves to feel whatever,
3. EXPRESS it, as much as our body wants to,
4. LET IT GO!

... and PRESTO!, we feel way Much Mo Betta... every time... sometimes permanently! We can resolve and release childhood "Issues".

Blogging, the Blog Squad Way

I went to a presentation this morning at the Mendocino Coast Writer’s Conference where Denise Wakeman described how to effectively manage Social Media.

“If you can’t be found online, you don’t exist.”

Main Points:

1. Make the Blog the main focal point of our “platform”.
2. Use Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn as tools to drive traffic to the blog.
3. Be “Consistent and Constant” with our communications.
4. Schedule time to update, share and connect.
5. Use technology tools (which are almost all free!) to manage posts efficiently and effectively.
6. Don’t “sell”, as much as Educate, Share and Communicate.

My Conclusion:

This is a business-changer for me, so I will be “changing my ways” from here on.  Thanks, Denise!

=:^)

How to ‘Process’ out Negative Feelings

Step 1.  Awareness

Step 2.  Acceptance

Step 3.  Feel and Release

Step 4. Refresh and Rejoice!

"We gotta Feel it to Heal it!"

To ‘really’ get into your Feelings, ask yourself these 3 questions (slowly).

1.  Who or what are Hurt you the most?
2.  Who or what are you most Afraid of?
3.  Who or what are you Angry at?

If one of these doesn’t get you there, that’s probably depression.  Re-visit question 3.

EQ is the Bomb!!

If we wanna be Happy, we HAVE to get in touch with our feelings and emotions!  (no matter how uncomfortable it can be at times.)

If we wanna be Successful, we HAVE to get in touch with our feelings and emotions!  (or we can't be Real, even with ourselves.)

If we wanna be Powerful, we HAVE to get in touch with our feelings and emotions! (or our Fears may stop us, or distract us.)

EQ (emotional smarts) are more important than IQ (intellectual smarts) for both Happiness and Success in life.

period.

Happy Birthday to the Late Great "coach t”

"I decided that my work (as a coach and writer) was something that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. And enjoying my 3 best friends. Having a dog, (currently a Maltese named Fringe). Being a nice person forever, no matter what someone says or does. Constantly experimenting with new ideas and creative mediums. Being nourished by my relationship with God. Waking up each morning with nothing on my to do list. And maintaining healthy reserve levels of time, money, opportunity and support. Adding value to others just for the joy of it. And finally, to always follow my whims, no matter how little sense they make at the time."

    ThomasLeonard.com

 

Good-bye

Well, here it is, 6 years since the passing of the late, great "coach t"... and I find that I miss him now, as much as ever.

So much of his life has been inspirational to me -- teaching, writing, giving freely, creating win-win, believing in the ultimate good in people -- it all lives loudly and beautifully inside of me, in coach t's caring, yet spirited voice.

Thanks again, Thomas, for starting the world on a path to betterment and cooperation.

Self-Acceptance

I must learn to love the fool in me.  The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes & loses often, lacks self-control, loves & hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises & breaks promises, laughs and cries.  It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool. 

    - Theodore Rubin, M.D.

Emotional Awareness Gives Us Choices!

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." - Carl Jung

We all have had bad stuff happen to us, and events that cause us emotional pain and anger.  HOWEVER, we get to CHOOSE what we DO with our feelings, emotions and belief systems!

We can:

• Generalize
• Victimize
• Blame
• Whine
• be Broken

or, we can:

• Learn
• Grow
• Understand
• Love anyway
• be Wiser!

It’s not about Ignoring our feelings, quite the opposite.  It’s about Deciding how we want to look at the world, consciously, wisely, and intelligently.

It’s Up to You

To the question of your life, you are the only answer.
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

Nobody can fix you but you.

Nobody can make you happy but you.

Nobody can even help you but you.

It’s up to you.

What if everything that happened to you, and even everything around you, was there to direct and guide and teach you?  What if you were 100% responsible for how you live your life, from this day forward?  What personal power and control that would bring!

2 Kinds of Guilt: Punishing vs. Productive

Guilt can be Good or Bad.

There are Two (2) Kinds of Guilt:

1. Punishing Guilt -- when you're Trashing yourself and beating yourself up for something you did, or didn't do.

2. Productive Guilt -- when you are Learning your lesson, taking the consequences of your actions boldly and maturely, and vowing inside yourself to Learn from your experience and become a better man/person because of it.

Knowing the difference between these two has Totally changed my life. Seriously. I was a guilt monger, full of punishing guilt. I've done plenty of stuff wrong, and I bashed myself for years over it all.

This is NO LONGER Acceptable so I had to find a better way.

It's true that some of the stuff I did was not acceptable. ever. ever again. none, zero, nada.  So I figured I'd better Learn my lessons and figure out how to make damned sure that these never happened again.

I had to change my Punishing Guilt: trashing, discouraging, shame-based, lower-my-eyes, slump-my-shoulders, feel bad about myself, and less than, and unworthy kinda feeling

... into ...

Productive Guilt.

Ok.  So I screwed up. Now what? feel sorry for myself? feel bad about myself? I don't think so. I've got too much to do, to much accomplish, to share, to feel. I want to Live my life. I don't want be a Potential, or a drag, or an ass to be around. I want to live my life to the FULLest that I can. I will learn from my mistakes. I will become a better person because of them. I will help others do the same with their mistakes.

So I had to Learn. To make my guilt Productive and educational.  Not to feel bad, but to understand, and awaken, and accept.

hey, we've all made mistakes in our past, stuff we're not proud of... I'm not alone here and neither are you... but it's just a matter of what we Do with those mistakes now, emotionally, in the present and future, that counts.  Can you let it go?  Can you be sure you will NEVER do some of the stuff you did, again?  If so, you can LET GO of the Guilt and move on.

It's ok.  You're forgiven.

Dr. Phil’s Neighborhood

@DrPhil “We live right down the street from MJ’s house. Big crowds very somber. Cops all over. Family must be in such shock and pain.”

We owe Dr. Phil as he single-handedly brought therapy and emotional intelligence to the masses!

WHAT ARE YOUR 3 MAIN POINTS?

Last week, I asked our ND grads:

“If you had a chance to teach the world only 3 of the most vital concepts about emotional intelligence, the 3 most important things you’ve learned/realized, what would they be?”

Valerie
1.  "The past is not dead, it's not even the past." - William Faulkner
2.  "Your are not responsible for what your parents did to you, they are.  Your parents are not responsible for your life now, you are."  Dan Neubarth, Ph.D.
3.  “What you needed to do to survive may be very different from what you need to do to live.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. from Kitchen Table Wisdom
4.  “To let go of a painful past, you may temporarily need to get closer to it.  To take greater control of your own life, you may need to revisit the day during which you had the least control.” 
Edward Everett Hale—1822-1909

Debbie
1. Taking things personally and remaining in victimhood is optional and only prolongs the healing process.
2.  Listening to the sound of our wounds is the only way of preventing the same heartache in the future.
3.  Emotional support is the most powerful and functional gift to give and receive in life, and actively practicing improves our ability to do this.
    There are many more, and these are rough drafts of just some thoughts that crossed my mind when I read your email, of ways that ND has improved my personal and professional daily functioning.  I will write more if they pop into my head.

Michael Themins LCSW, Fresno, CA
1.  Self Identity is the total summation of my past experiences, Too feel bad about past experiences only denies my Individualism.
2.  Cognitive Identification of feelings is a cerebral experience and not an emotional experience.
3.  Analyzing emotional experiences;  only disconnects the gut level emotional experience.

Karen
1. How your present life is still being influenced by your past.
2. Emotional pain is not terminal, but hanging on unexpressed emotional pain is a detriment to emotional health.
3. If you know what you feel, you know who you are and want you want.

Heidi
1.  Feelings are not right or wrong they just are.
2.  You learn healthy and safe ways to feel your emotions.
3.  You are not alone, you will get to meet people who will not judge you, make life time friendships, meet people who have been in your shoes, meet people who will love you unconditionally, and so much more.

Helen
1. It is safe to feel your feelings
2. We do not need to be held hostage by our past
3. Love is a miraculous thing that comes when all the anger is released

Cheryl
1. If you can identify what you're feeling then you can motivate yourself to make the changes necessary to make your life the way you want it to be.
2. If you understand your behavior patterns, and what caused them, then you are free to make different choices in the future.
3. You must do the thing you think you cannot do - to quote Eleanor Roosevelt.  Once you've done that - the world belongs to you!

Patrick
1. If i know what i feel i can heal, from past to present negative events
2. If i know, trust, & express my feelings in acceptable ways i can create a more intimate relationship with myself an others.
3. If i know my self i can know others , creating empathy, acceptance & a sense of belonging.

Julie B.
1. There comes a time when we all need to take inventory.  We have thoughts, feelings, hurts, fears, etc. that we hang onto out of habit, but they are not helpful; they are actually in the way.   We have to take a look at them and decide what stays and what goes.  When we/I do that, we/I free up space, and suddenly there is room for us/me again--joy, hope, and love included.

Splat
1. Feelings are feelings we can live through them.
2. Embrace your feelings and sit in them you will not die.
3. Know where you feeling are located on your body.(angry is in my stomach)

Glynk
1. Understanding where, when, and how you formed your beliefs and behaviors, gives you the power to change what is not working for you.
2. You can learn to how to take responsibility for how you choose to live your life, once you understand yourself.
3. You can learn to really feel and identify your real emotions, then let them go.

Glori
The three most important concepts of emotional intelligence that I have learned or has helped me the most are
1. Self-Acceptance (this is the one concept that has given me the most peace of mind)
2. Figure out what your judgments are and take them away
3. Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions and reactions without judging (It's Doc's concept of "isn't that interesting?")

Drena
1.  Being emotionally intelligent and emotionally aware is the best thing you can do for your children and family.
2. You will continue to screw up your life and your relationships until you understand the reason's you feel and respond the way you do.
3. Becoming emotionally intelligent and aware with your spouse/partner is the only way to have an incredibly honest and dynamic relationship with your spouse/partner that will intensify the closeness and depth of your relationship.
Can I cheat?
1. Face your emotions/behaviors and you will find your reality; face your reality and you will find your emotional and psychological freedom.
2. There is nothing more satisfying than having emotional and psychological freedom and control over how you respond to others and situations.
3. Understanding why you do what you do, gives you a wonderful perspective on who you are.
1. What someone else thinks about you, says nothing about you and everything about them..
2. Blaming others for your choices is imature, taking responsiblity is liberating.
3. Emotional pain is not terminal.
Sorry Matt, I can't sum it up in just 3 points.  Take what you want.  I like the last 3 the best.

Gloria
1.  You can learn to let go of the past and live in the present.
2. What happened to you is not as important as how it made you feel about yourself.
3. You have the tools to be happy, you just have to remember how to use them.

Gay
1.  Being a victim is a choice.
2.  Blaming is ok for a little while; then it's time to take responsibility for your life.
3.  Awareness is the key to beginning to change yourself, and you can only change yourself.

Jannie B.
1. Don't take things personally.  The "to me" rule.  What I say about you means nothing about you.....it says everything about me.
2. "So you think, so shall you be."  You create your reality.  And if YOU create it YOU can '"un-create" it.
3. Stop trying to find someone to love; and love the one you found. And just one more please......
4. Where is the peace in ..more is better?   thank you very much

Melann
1. I cannot hear what you are thinking. Good communications is the key to life and all its ups and downs.
2. The answer is always NO until you ask, and then it still may me no.  Take the pressure off and ask.
3. The decisions we make in our lives are based from feelings.  Feelings are not good or bad they just are.  Anger is just as important as happiness.  They both are feelings that we feel.  Once we FEEL we can make the best choices.

Linda V.
1. What you feel is not good or bad, it just is
2. Life is too short to dwell on the past
3. You learn we are unconsciously incompetent
                              consciously incompetent
                              consciously competent
                              unconsciously competent -- or something like that

Paula
1.  You can learn to feel happier.
2.  You can learn techniques to release your past pain and present hurt.
3.  You can experience a workshop where people care and are willing to understand you.

Doc
1.  Judgments are debatable, feelings are not.
2.  Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are.
3.  If you are fighting over feelings, then you are not talking about feeling.

LJ
1.  Walking your talk is just as important as your talk.
2.  Personal growth is not a fad and it’s valuable in your home relationships/work.

Matt
1.  Feelings are a good thing, not a bad thing.
2.  In fact, being in touch with our feelings and emotions is THE THING that puts us in control of our lives like nothing else can!
3.  It's Ok to cry, and be angry, and express our fears, if done wisely.

Lynda A.
By the way, my description of what ND does is:  "ND helps in Healing the past so we can be more present, loving, and accepting to all God's Kids, whether we like them or not, including ourselves."  Hugs.

Positive Emotions

When Needs and Desires are Fulfilled, One Tends to Feel: 
from http://SuccessWithDepression.com/positive-emotions/

Absorbed
Encouraged
Jubilant

Adventurous
Energetic
Longing

Affectionate
Engrossed
Loving

Alert
Enlivened
Mellow

Alive
Enthusiastic
Merry

Amazed
Exalted
Mirthful

Amused
Excited
Moved

Animated
Exhilarated
Open

Appreciated
Expansive
Optimistic

Aroused
Expectant
Overjoyed

Astonished
Exuberant
Overwhelmed

Blissful
Fascinated
Peaceful

Buoyant
Friendly
Proud

Breathless
Fulfilled
Radiant

Calm
Gay
Rapturous

Carefree
Giddy
Refreshed

Cheerful
Glad
Relieved

Comfortable
Gleeful
Satisfied

Compassionate
Glorious
Secure

Complacent
Glowing
Sensitive

Composed
Good-humored
Serene

Concerned
Grateful
Stimulated

Confident
Gratified
Surprised

Contented
Groovy
Sympathetic

Cool
Helpful
Tender

Curious
Inquisitive
Thankful

Dazzled
Inspired
Thrilled

Delighted
Intense
Touched

Eager
Interested
Tranquil

Ecstatic
Intrigued
Trusting

Effervescent
Invigorated
Warm

Elated
Involved

Electrified
Joyful

Empathic
Joyous

We Have More Control Than We Think

"Nothing is good or bad but by comparison."

- Thomas Fuller

We have 100% CONTROL over our Judgments, Attitudes and Belief Systems.  Therefore, it is 100% our RESPONSIBILITY to manage these areas of our lives.

Living In “Learning Mode”

The Talmud says that the wisest among people are the ones who learn from all.

There are spiritual and emotional lessons to be learned from everything and everybody.  An open heart and an open mind can collect great experiences and wonderful knowings.

Lord's Prayer

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.  wiki

Who Makes You Happy?

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

    - Marcel Proust

Twitters Away!

Ok, sorry, I haven't been posting because I've been Twitterin' and Tweetin'.  It's fun.

follow me.  #MattPerelstein

(wow, that's a cool statement, "follow me", for that means I have somewhere to take you...  And that I do... follow me... into the depths inside us.  our feelings, our heart, our passions and our soul.)

2GetHelp Lives!

We just changed the name of our non-profit to 2GetHelp, Inc.  Our purpose is to show the world the wonder and joy of mental health and emotional intelligence education.

Our IRS application for a 501(c)(3) non-profit status is complete and we hope to have that in place very soon.

I am very excited about moving forward with this project.  I’ll keep you updated on our progress.

Stay tuned…

- Matt

Types of Emotion

• Emotion, without content, or resolution = DRAMA
• Emotion, in order to release, and heal = VENTING
• Emotion, for the purpose of hurting others, getting them to 'like' you or for emotional blackmail = MANIPULATION
• Emotion, for the purpose of making things happen and changing the world = PASSION
• Emotion, for the purpose of loving, giving, understanding and healing = COMPASSION
• Emotion, for the purpose of feeling fully and living fully of one's self = EXPRESSION
• Emotion, for the purpose of changing people, and getting them to do what you want, your way = CONTROL
• Emotion, for the purpose of building boundaries, expressing values, and keeping yourself and family safe = PERSONAL POWER
• Emotion, for the purpose of closeness, openness and intimacy = LOVE

- matt

I Wish You Happiness

My wish for you is that you succeed beyond your wildest imagination.
And that you find love in places that astound you.  
That you have friends who call you "just because." 

I dream that you go barefoot more than you wear shoes.
That you play as hard as you work. 
And that you laugh more than you cry. 

I want you to set the bar high, but not too high.  
To reach for the stars, but with your toes on the ground.
And to never, ever stop dreaming.

But most of all, I wish for your happiness.

Conquering Fear

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you’ve imagined!”

    - Thoreau

 

“The best way out is always through.”

    - Robert Frost

"Action conquers fear."

    - Peter Nivio Zarlenga

Choosing to Care

We are different because we Choose to Care.

We open our hearts to others… why? because it’s fun, it increases the LOVE in our lives, and because we know that the People in our lives are pretty much THE most important thing to us.

• So we open ourselves to love…
• we open our hearts to care…
• we listen, we share, and we give a damn…
• we are open to new people, new friends, even new family!

yes, sometimes we are disappointed, and sometimes we get hurt.
sometimes we even get yelled at… but that’s Ok… we can handle it.

and it’s worth it.

no doubt.

 

how open are you to love and intimacy?

Notice What you Feel. Not how, but WHAT, specifically.

Awareness that we Feel

What are you feeling right now?  happy, sad, calm, afraid, angry, worried, depressed?

(stop reading for a sec, close your eyes and feel.  just Notice what your body is feeling right now.... go)

Were you able to notice some things about how you feel? 
Were you able to Identify which your feelings and name them?

We never STOP feeling, ever.  Even while sound asleep, our body constantly feels. However, we are only AWARE of our feelings when we choose to be (notice them), or when they get big and kinda take over the show ("issues").

The problem is that until we are AWARE of them, we can't really DO anything with them.  We are powerless.  They control us, we don’t control them.

Doc says: 
"We can only make Decisions about that which we are consciously Aware of."

So, as you go thru your day today NOTICE how you feel. 

Don't stop what you’re doing... just be aware of your pain, or happiness, heaviness, or lightness, laughter, or wanting to cry.

It’s not just how Smart you are, anymore.

“Since Daniel Goleman published his landmark book " IQ for predicting success" Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" in 1995, the focus in psychology has shifted away from measuring IQ alone to evaluating what is known as Emotional Quotient, or EQ. 

While emotional intelligence cannot be measured as good, bad, right or wrong, experts note that:

EQ may be more important than IQ
in determining success. “

    - from the back cover of Self-Scoring Emotional Intelligence Tests