Emotional Intelligence 101: the key to Happiness & Success in life is inside your Feelings & Emotions!

Reflections

The new year has begun and the old year has come to an end.  It is the time for making resolutions.  I gave up on making resolutions a few years ago.  While my intentions were always there, I always failed to follow through and then lived with the guilt of one more thing that I failed to do. 

This year no resolutions were made but I have been thinking about all of the changes I went through over the last year and all of the plans that have been set in motion to move closer to the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I want to live.  I have also been thinking about all that I am thankful for including the painful aspects of my life.  At many points in my life I was asked if I could change one thing in my life what would it be?  My answer then and now is still the same even though the reasons behind the answer are different.  I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I developed a strength and a determination to survive.  Yes I have had two very unhealthy relationships and I now have a better understanding of what I don't want and the almost guilt-free ability to ask for what I want.  Yes I have suffered in silence for many years by burying my feelings deep inside and I have found a group of loving and caring people who showed me a way to live instead of just surviving.  Yes I have had a divorce that shattered my trust in others and in myself and I have new friends that have shown me it is safe to trust myself to find others who are trustworthy.

It was a year of anger and fear and pain and many tears.  It was a year of truths found that were hard to accept.  It was a year of revelations that set parts of my soul free.  It was a year of life-changing decisions.  It was a year of much laughter and love and friendship.  I can not predict what the new year will bring.  But I bet it will be marvelous and exciting when seen through the eyes of the child within me who now feels safe enough to come out and play.

Many thanks to those who did not give up on me when I had given up on myself.

        Sue Wiseman

What We are About

everyone has their 'angle' for how to become healthy and wealthy and wise. Well, here's our niche.

We are about Feelings. We are about People. We are about Love, and Acceptance, and Safety. We are about Caring, and Sharing, and Getting Along. We are about Giving, and Receiving, in equal measures. We are about Healing our pasts, so we can have wonderful Presents and Futures. We are about kiddos, and family, and fun, too. We are about Happiness and Success. We are about KICKIN' BUTT in everything we do. We are about Living life to the very FULLEST Potential we Can! FULLY EXPRESSED, and FULLY LIVED!

Wanna come PLAY and Learn with us?!?

• We are about PUSHing through our Fears, to be the MOST we can be.
• We are about DEALing with our Anger, so we can live life on our terms, with Joy, not Resentments and Judgment.
• We are about ALLOWing our Sadness, and our Grief, so we can wash them thru our system, cleansing our soul.
• We are about ACCEPTing our Depression, and then BLASTing it out with our Anger and Rage.
• We are about NOTICing our Guilt, determining the source, and then Get Ourselves Out of emotional Jail.
• We are about HANDing back our Shame, to whence it came, never to return to darken our days.
• We are about NURTURing our Love, to feel loved and to give love freely and responsibly, as there is PLENTY to go around.
• We are about FILLing up with Joy, allowing our Hearts to open and breathe and play and Live!
• We are about KNOWing ourselves, our issues, our strengths and our weaknesses, so we can be ALL we can be.

And most importantly, we are about doing it Together, not ALONE!

Wanna come PLAY and Learn with us?!?

Faith

The opposite of Fear, I believe, is Faith.

We only seem to be afraid of what MIGHT happen in the future.
- we might get hurt
- we might fall
- we might be left behind
- etc.

We are usually NOT afraid if we believe that things are going to work out Ok. That's called Faith.

It doesn't mean that we blindly walk into any situation and just believe that things will be work out perfectly, everytime, but it does mean that a healthy, positive outlook and belief in a Higher Power that loves you will quell many of your personal fears and apprehensions.  The cool part is that We Choose to Think... we don't really know, so we can either choose to think that bad things might happen, or good things might happen... which will you choose?

"Go boldly toward your dreams."

Time Heals, Sometimes

"We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life's morning; for what in the morning was true may in evening become a lie."

-- C.G. Jung

In other words, feelings and beliefs and conclusions we made as a child may have served us well then, but they often do NOT serve us well as an adult. Deal with your conscious and unconscious childhood beliefs, as they may be causing you untold pain.

As Doc says, "Is what you're doing getting you what you want in the long run? If not, change it!"

Are you stuffing your feelings, and hoping they'll heal by themselves?

Are you depending on Time to heal all wounds?

Are you hoping your pain will magically disappear without you ever having to face it?

if so, good luck.
- Matt

Perserverance is Essential

"Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success."

-- Alonzo Newton Benn

Same goes for dealing with our Feelings.  The courage to start is essential... but usually only comes after tons of Pain and Disappointment.

Don't wait until you're a walking disaster.  Get some help today!
Learn about your Feelings & Emotions -- it will change your entire life experience!!

Learn From your Fears

"Fear is a question: What are you afraid of, and why? Just as the seed of health is in illness, because illness contains information, our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them."

-- Marilyn Ferguson

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it."

-- Jiddu Krishnamurti

"Fear is your body's way of telling you to 'PAY ATTENTION!'"

-- mcp

"Fear always has an Object.  We are always afraid of some-thing."

-- Doc Downing, PhD, LMFT

Fear does NOT necessarily mean "STOP!" or "RUN!".  Those are actions, or reactions. Behaviours based on our fears.

Deal with your fear, control your Behaviours.

Are you coachable?

The people that I want to talk to are, as Shirley Anderson, master coach says, "people who are up to something; who have a challenge, a goal, a problem that they want to work on full-force."

People who want it, badly.
People who are willing to stop at nothing to get what they want.
People who are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

THAT's who we can do our best work with.
That's who's going to make the BIG changes in their lives, and who reap the most reward.
That's who will see their lives transform, in a very short timeframe, from clueless and hurting, to happy, powerful and Free!

If that's you, let's talk. soon.
- Matt

Creating the Self

"The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates."

- Thomas Szasz (1920-) American Psychiatrist

We're about Feeling -- and part of Feeling is Feeling GOOD!
- We laugh, a lot.
- We dance, a lot.
- We hug, a lot.

it's fun. it's Aliveness, it's freedom from the negativity
and the Shoulds
and the Gottas

We have, what I think, a really cool Balance between the two… Joking around v. Serious work.
- as I've said, we dive deep. way deep.
- so it's crucial that we all give our 100% undivided, loving and accepting attention to the matter.
- For a time, you, and only you, and your pain, and your angers, matter.
- to everyone in your visible world.
- only you matter.
- only your feelings matter.
- only your pain matters.

The entire room will focus on you.
... and you will not feel stared at, or on-stage, in any way
instead, you will feel so Loved, and Accepted, and Cared For, and Cared About.

we create love.
we create joy.
we create family.
we create life.

Emotional Intelligence Article

Great article on Emotional Intelligence.

"Our emotions are the most powerful factors in determining how we act, make decisions, set personal boundaries, and communicate with others. Therefore, it is reasoned that if we understand and control our emotions, we can improve the quality of our lives."

She also lists 10 ways to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Read on...

Deep Feeling, Deep Healing

Troubles with Intimacy?

"What often keeps a person "intimacy-impaired" as an adult are the hurts and conclusions of childhood. True updating, beyond mere behavioral changes, requires regressing to the original feeling state."

"Deep Feeling, Deep Healing"
The Heart, Mind, and Soul of Getting Well
-- Andy Bernay-Roman

book

book review

"How does stored pain (trauma) relate to disease?" and other interview questions

"Sex is often used as a way to mask our pain" and other classic quotes

4 Steps to Learning

The 4 Steps to Learning
-----------------------

There are a few basic steps to learning every subject, especially making changes in our personal growth and development.

1. Unconsciously Incompetent

“We don’t know that we don’t know.”

In this state of awareness, we are simply unaware that one or more of our behaviors is unsuccessful. We just bump along, wondering why we just can’t seem to achieve our goals. We blame and we whine and we have unsatisfying relationships, but we don’t know why.

2. Consciously Incompetent

“We find out that we don’t know.”

In this state of awareness, we identify one or more of our behaviors that are keeping us from our success. We hear ourselves saying things like “Aha!” to “Boy, that was dumb!” From here, we transition into the two higher state of awareness.

3. Consciously Competent

“We learn how to do it different.”

In this state of awareness, we make a conscious effort to change behaviors that are keeping us from our success. We tell ourselves “I’m NOT going to fall for that one again… this time I will do it different!” We might still fall into old behaviors, but we catch them now, sometimes before and sometimes afterwards.

4. Unconsciously Competent

“We do it different, without having to think about it.”

This is the state of awareness we all strive for. Here our behaviors are successful without conscious effort. We have learned new behaviors and don’t have to think about implementing them. They are a habit. We may hear ourselves saying, “Wow! I got it right the first time!” or “Gee, that was easy!”

"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart"

From a great book of essays written by a psychiatrist Gordon Livingston, Vietnam vet, parent twice bereaved, lost his oldest son to suicide and his youngest to leukemia. The book is entitled "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart."

He has written about 30 bedrock truths:

1. If the map doesn't agree with the ground, the map is wrong.

2. We are what we do.

3. it is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place.

4. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas.

5. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.

6. Feelings follow behavior.

7. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.

8. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

9. Life's two most important questions are "Why?" and "Why not?" The trick is knowing which one to ask.

10. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses.

11. The most secure prisons are those we construct for ourselves.

12. The problems of the elderly are frequently serious but seldom interesting.

13. Happiness is the ultimate risk.

14. True love is the apple of Eden.

15. Only bad things happen quickly.

16. Not all who wander are lost.

17. Unrequited love is painful but not romantic.

18. There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results.

19. We flee from truth in vain.

20. It's a poor idea to lie to oneself.

21. We are all prone to the myth of the perfect stranger.

22. Love is never lost, not even in death.

23. Nobody likes to be told what to do.

24. The major advantage of illness is that is provides relief from responsibility.

25. We are afraid of the wrong things.

26. Parents have a limited ability to shape children's behavior, except for the worse.

27. The only real paradises are those we have lost.

28. Of all the forms of courage, the ability to laugh is the most profoundly therapeutic.

29. Mental health requires freedom of choice.

30. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing.

Understand Myself

"When a man begins to understand himself he begins to live.
When he begins to live he begins to understand his fellow
men."

*Norvin McGranahan

EQ Mapping Tool

"Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of energy, information, creativity, trust and connection."

— Esther M. Orioli and Robert K. Cooper, Q-Metrics

EQ Map® is an Assessment tool that "helps you discover the many facets that make up your personal emotional intelligence and its relationship to your performance, creativity and success."

EQ Map  $29.95  Awareness is the first key to change, so this might give you some insights you couldn't get elsewhere.

Read more about it ...

Reacting Emotionally

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

-- Norman Vincent Peale

Emotional Shopping

Here's a good article on the connection between Shopping and our emotions.

"Some people shop because they're unhappy … or giddy, or anywhere in between. But retail therapy can leave your budget in sad shape."

Interesting experiment:
"Lerner and her co-researchers showed subjects three emotion-inducing movie clips -- one revolting, one depressing, one neutral -- and then asked people to estimate how much they'd be willing to spend on a certain product. The people who had seen the sad movie clip were willing to spend the most."

To sum it up, here's what's suggested to Fight the urge:
Notice the feelings. (!)
Sort out the fantasies.
Beware of small purchases.
Treat yourself.
Avoid retail situations.
Create unique solutions.
Let your priorities be your guide.

Read on...

Comfort and Luxury?

"We act as though comfort and luxury
were the chief requirements of life,
when all we need to make us happy is
something to be enthusiastic about."

- Charles Kingsley

"... and to be in touch with our feelings enough to Allow ourselves to be enthusiastic and happy."

- mcp

Emotional Tools

You have 3 main Tools at your disposal.

Your Body.
Your Mind.
Your Heart.

I can't teach you much about your body. I'm not that great at taking care of mine, tho mine does work pretty well for me.

I can help with your Mind. The wonderful thing is that "WE CHOOSE TO THINK" so we can choose what we think and when. I can help you with attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours and intentions.

But where I can help you most is around your Heart! I can show you things inside your heart - your Feelings, your Passions, your Dreams and your Aliveness - that will TOTALLY change your life for the better. There is soooo much in there that you don't know anything about.  There are subconscious things happening inside you that you cannot and will not control until you become aware of them, understand them and appreciate their power  You will experience a side of yourself -- the Inside, that will amaze and astound you.

"The last great adventure, the journey inside ourselves."

by the way, which of these 3 do you think runs your life?
Your Body.
Your Mind.
Your Heart. <---- - - - - that's right!

do yourself a favor. learn about your Feelings & Emotions.
- matt

Ask Questions

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

-- Decouvertes

"To be in a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to ask the tough questions."

-- Dr. Phil

"Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them."

-- Ralph Gerard

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"

-- George Bernard Shaw

"The answer is in the question."
- June, in the movie "Benny and June"
- when asked, "What about Mrs. Schmalz?"

"The man who has no imagination has no wings."

-- Muhammad Ali

Feelings are Life!

since I took my keyboard apart the other day and cleaned it, the . key hasn't been working properly and this has been interesting for me
to get it to work, I have to SLAM the . KEY harder….. whap, whap, whap.
it builds tension.
irritation.
tick (doesn't work) so Wham. (that works, but it's irritating and requires more energy and constant problems).

pushes me to do an undercurrent of anger
if I remember, however, and think of it Before I hit the . key, I hit it harder.
in fact, I'm finding that I hit the keys harder in general
and my keyboard likes that.

and maybe it's what I need.

like a push to build some Attitude, and that Edge I need to be BIG.
that is what I want.
no fooling about it.
I want to talk to a LOT of people.
I am NOT Ok with talking to a few people.
I have a message that will not be denied.

I will not give up.

I am not developing it to fill a Demand.
The Need exists, they just don't Know that it Exists.

I can't find a Hive.
Help me find a Hive.

I will NOT be an Ambulance chaser.
oh, I think that's really holding me back.

I don't want the sick and mentally ill.
I want to work with people who are hurtin', but functional.
I want to talk to the walking wounded.
I want people who have jobs, but they're hurtin'.
and they know it.
and they want to Reach out.

there's a whole Reaching out thing.

they don't know:
a. who to reach out to
b. how to reach out (except for maybe therapy and medication)
c. That Reaching out is even an option.
d. in some cases, even that the concept of Reaching out even exists

it's not that the Demand for the solution isn't there,
they don't know that there's a Solution to what's bothering them.
some know that something's bothering them, but they are clueless that there even IS a solution

they are not Looking for help with their problem
because they don't know that Help Exists.
  and some don't even know the Problem exists.

many don't know that they are angry or hurt, or that they could choose to Not feel angry or hurt.

many are shut down and depressed.
but they don't Feel shut down, because they don't Feel… period.
they often find that they were shut down AFTER they experience what's it's like to NOT be shut down for a moment.

• I believe that people have NO IDEA how much cooler and more Amazing their lives could be if they had their Feelings Toolbox ALIVE and WELL!!
• I believe that people DON'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THEMSELVES that they are as unhappy as they are.
• I believe that people have no idea how VERY ANGRY they Really are.
• some people know they're angry.  but they don't know that there's Relief available.

they don't know that TAKING CONTROL of their Feelings really IS the key to Happiness.

Happiness IS a Feeling.

How could you feel Happy if you don't Feel?!?

Feelings are the key.
Feelings are the Joy.
Feelings are LIFE!

You can't cut off one feeling at a time. They ALL Go.
it's a package deal.
you cannot feel your Joy and your Love and your TOTAL ALIVENESS if you are not willing (or know how) to feel your Anger and your Sadness and your Fear.

of course Fear is scary.
by definition. the answer is in the question.
there are plenty of things that WE ARE ALL AFRAID of, not having enough, not being enough, people leaving us, being alone, being attacked, ourselves.

no wait. We DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID of ourselves.
we can LEARN ABOUT ourselves.
and Enjoy ourselves.
and our Fears.
and our Angers.
and our Sadness
and our Guilt.

of course you're Afraid of your Anger. we all are.
Society doesn't know how to handle good clean Anger, so they squash it.
and our parents taught us over and over that Anger is NOT OK, in any form.

THAT's the Difference between ND folks and non-ND folks.
We ENJOY and ENCOURAGE our feelings, they Avoid them like the plague!

THAT's the difference.

Having our Feelings be Ok works in so many ways...
we not only don't avoid our feelings, that's about ALL WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT!
why? 'cause that's all that really Matters, that's why!

prologue..

we need to talk to people who:
have a problem and know it and believe there is something they can do about it and are actively doing something about it and are actively seeking personal growth help

don't have a problem -- totally "in touch" with your feelings?  great  you're in the minority.
don't know you have a problem -- not sure it's my job to enlighten you, but maybe
don't believe there's hope -- yikes. there is. there really is.
aren't doing something about it -- well, that's another part of the problem (shame, low self-esteem, abandonment, ignorance, lack)
aren't seeking personal growth help -- HELLO! We are the cheapest, fastest, most effective, life-changing, love-creating, self-esteem building form of mental health known to man!!

NDers vs. non-NDers

Ha. it finally came to me. just now.
I've been watching us long term NDers who are usually waaaaay Happier, often more successful and certainly more ALIVE and FEELING than our counterparts and I keep wondering,

What's the Difference between NDers and non-NDers?
What is it the one thing that ND teaches that is so Effective and so Important?
what is it that sets us apart?
what is it that works so well and has changed mine and so many other people's lives over the last 18 years?

I mean, we're certainly not perfect.
we still hurt.
we still mess up. we still make mistakes. we still have unresolved Issues.
we still hurt and we still get hurt. we still fail and we succeed. we still cry and we get angry.

and just this morning at 04:33 on 11.1.05, I realized what it is.

it's kinda subtle and kind slippery, but here goes…

the difference in long-time NDers is that while most people try to Avoid their Feelings in various ways,

NDers ENJOY AND APPRECIATE THEIR FEELINGS!

We know that Feelings are a GOOD thing, not a bad thing.
We know that our Feelings DEFINE us -- who we are, what we want, what we don't want.
We know that if we Accept our Feelings, we are Accepting Ourselves -- and Oh, self acceptance makes more difference in our daily life experience than anything on the planet ! ! !

We embrace our feelings, and thus we can understand and accept the feelings of others.
we are good listeners.
we are easy to get along with.
we make good employees and managers, leaders and followers
we can be and usually are straight-forward, up-front, and eye-to-eye Honest

… all just because we know what we Feel, who we are, and what our Intentions are.

Our Feelings are our Personality.
- Our Love.
- - Our Passion.
- - - Our Joy.
- - - - Our Feelings are our Lives.

what's more important than that?!?

Of course that's all what we want to talk about!
of course that's why we want our loved ones to come to class and learn what we've learned.
of course, that why we "go there". often. as deep as we can. to come back renewed and refreshed, sometimes NEVER HAVING TO GO THERE AGAIN.

we understand the Keys to Happiness.

we know that the simple act of Dealing directly with what's really, Really, REALLY PISSING US OFF, is the key to relieving our Anger and allowing more Peace.

we are wise to the fact that Talking about, experiencing and allowing our Fears is the fastest, simplest, most effective way to Lessen and Relieve our inner child's pain and our adult's vulnerabilities.

we understand the connection how our Personal Power, our Courage and our Self-Esteem are all directly based on our ability to Understand and Manage our feelings and emotions.

we know that we have Choices -- we always have choices -- sometimes lots more than many people believe we have -- in how we deal with situations and relationships.

...and we understand and appreciate the importance of People in our lives. people who are safe for us. people who love. people who can accept love and give love in a clean, honest, value-for-value relationship where everyone wins.

and we know how to Not Feel Alone, ever again. (once a graduate, always a friend http://Groups.msn.com/2GetHelp ).

yes, in this case there are subtle differences between "them" and "us". the "haves" vs. the "have nots". the "educated" vs. the "ignorant".

but these subtle, intangible differences can mean the difference between life and death, between divorce and marriage, between happiness and depression, between a life filled with joy and Love or a life torn by guilt and shame.

The tools are all free Please use them.
- Matt

after-thought: if you see a picture of an NDer and a non-NDer standing next to each other, they probably both look Ok and they're probably both smiling. but it's likely that the NDer will have just a bit more glint in their eye, a bit more Pride in their stance, a bit more openness and love in their eyes and a bit more Joy behind that smile.

that's why I keep buggin' you guys about coming back to class.
come Assist. it's still free. If you can't make it all weekend, we'll work with you. just come. please.
everyone wins when you show up. please join us.

New Directions Workshop
Nov. 11-13, 2005 Fresno, CA

Feelings Toward Yourself

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."

- Sydney J. Harris

"There is no freedom like seeing myself as I am and not losing heart."

- Elizabeth J. Canham

"If we could learn to like ourselves, even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away."

- John Steinbeck

Know Yourself

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."

-- Abraham H. Maslow

"The true profession of man is to find his way to himself."

-- Hermann Hesse

"Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment."

-- Tao Te Ching

http://www.HigherAwareness.com

Feel Better

Want to Feel better?
- are you feeling down, or angry, or scared all the time?

Want to Feel more?
- do your feelings seem far away or self-contained in a little box?

Want to actually get in-touch with your Feelings?
- are you Clueless when it comes to managing your feelings and emotions?

We can help.

In 1 short, powerful weekend, you will learn to

• Identify what you Feel
• Accept that it's Ok to Feel
• Allow, or Disallow, your Feelings
• Open your heart to Love, and close it up as needed.
• Embrace your inner child, where all your feelings started from.
• Understand who you are, and how you got here, emotionally
• Feel safe, truly safe, possibly for the first time in your life
• Express your feelings in positive, productive ways, that bring people closer to you.
• Be Ok having people closer to you.

we talk about:

• Trust
• Guilt
• Anger
• Sadness
• Joy
• Shame
• Blame
• Peace
• Love
• Depression
• Playing the Victim
• Personal Power
• Rage
• Relief

What is Sacred?

"There are only 4 questions of value in life:

• What is sacred?
• Of what is the spirit made?
• What is worth living for?
• and What is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same.

Only love."

- Don Juan DeMarco (Johnny Depp)

EQ in Business

Here's a powerful article giving numerous test cases to show where companies, or the US government, saved $$Millions or earned extra $$Millions only by increasing their employees' Emotional Quotient (EQ) or Emotional Intelligence (EI).

It begins...
"The following 19 points build a case for how emotional intelligence contributes to the bottom line in any work organization. Based on data from a variety of sources, it can be a valuable tool for HR practitioners and managers who need to make the case in their own organizations."

Here's living proof that this stuff really works!  Read on... or download the PDF,

Statement of Direction

New Directions Workshop's
STATEMENT OF DIRECTION
--------------------------------------------
I am through being a Victim.
And finished blaming myself, and others.

NOW WHAT?!?

Even though I am Afraid,
I am turning my Anger into Love,
Sadness to Joy,
and Depression into Personal Power.

Now I choose to feel ALIVE!!

People don't know

As teens and young adults, people don't know that they are going to marry their mother or their father, depending on which one they have the biggest issues with.

People don't know that their current beliefs and behaviours are so interconnected to their childhood traumas.

People don't know that you can beat the voices in your head.

People don't know that they can heal their own depression.

People don't know that exploring and learning to manage their feelings and emotions is the key to happiness.

People don't know all the emotional choices they actually have.

People don't know that they can feel better, when they've felt badly for so long.

People don't know that there is so much Hope, so easily and permanently.

People don't know what to do with all their anger.

People don't know how to combat their fears.

People don't know how to effectively reduce their sadness and grief.

People don't know these basic concepts that we take as obvious.

I guess we need to teach them.

Get a Clue!

The Awakening
Written by Sonny Carroll
Sonny's Website: Wake To Life


A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice
inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

We Sell Feelings

we are selling Feelings, period.

we are spreading the gospel, the truth, the way and the light.

We are selling Life!

Feelings = Life.
Passion.
Love.
Joy.
Peace.
Contentment.
Safety.
Compassion.

all of it.

that's my point…
There really IS nothing more important to focus on.

The people's lives that were trashed and drowned and blown away… what do they have left?

Their Feelings. Their Hearts. Their Memories. Their Connections to others.
nothing else. nothing.

I'll say it again,
there is Nothing more important to learn about than this work we are doing.

nothing else. nothing.

... please read on ...

What Does God Say?

I receiving the nice note below as an inspirational message...

Good morning Matt. This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a good day.

well, I disagree. God will handle all my BIG problems. But I have to handle my worldly problems.

I am responsible to be in control of most everything that I can, in fact, control.

In achieving this task, I must know what it is that I can, in fact, control, (and how much, and with what energy, and alone or with help, and when, and for how long, and to what end....)

- I can't change the weather. But I can be ready for it.

- I can't control whether I get laid off a job or not. But I can be as skilled and aware as possible, in preparation for ANY job or situation I face.

- I can't stop terrorist attacks. But I can know my options, be prepared and alert (not worried and cowering), have extra provisions, arm myself to protect my family and my stuff, stay strong and get stronger, challenge and test myself, etc.

God gave us this thing called Free Will.
So I don't believe that God is saying "I will not need your help...".
I believe He's saying: "I will not need your help with the big stuff. You have enough to worry about with your daily Life stuff."

Your Essence cannot be Destroyed!

“No matter how painful our early experiences were, our Essence cannot be harmed. Our Essence is waiting for the opportunity to reveal itself. In a very true sense, we are waiting for the opportunity to become ourselves. Our spirit is yearning to break free, to express itself ...

“And yet, ironically, we always fear and resist opening to that which is most real in us. When we trust in the process and give ourselves over to it, however, our true nature comes forth. The result is real integrity, love, authenticity, creativity, understanding, guidance, joy, power, and serenity—all of the qualities we are forever demanding that personality supply.”

-- Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Emotional Health

"Learning to let go of the ways we inadvertently and unconsciously contribute to our own pain is the key to finding radiant physical and emotional health."

- Ingrid Bacci

"We must overcome the notion that we must be normal . . .
It robs us of the chance to be extraordinary and leads us to the mediocre."

- Uta Hagen

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'."

- John Greenleaf Whittier

"If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. If he has a talent and uses only half of it, he has partly failed. If he has a talent and learns somehow to use the whole of it, he has gloriously succeeded and has a satisfaction and a triumph few men ever know."

- Thomas Wolfe

How do you Feel?

How do you FEEL?
Are you Happy and Joyous and Free??
or are you Shut-down, Depressed, Guilt-ridden and ANGRY?!?

Taking control of your Feelings is the key to personal Happiness and Success in your Career, Family and Relationships.

Stop by. We'll show you an amazing world that lies deep inside you -- your Passions, your Joys, Your Personality, Your FEELINGS!

http://www.TakingControlOfYourFeelings.com

Control

things we have way much control over:

• Personal Power
• Enthusiasm
• Enlightenment
• Awareness
• Acceptance
• Understanding
  -----
• Faith
• Trust
• Love
• Joy
  -----
• Our Belief systems
• Our Issues
• Our Values
• Our Outlook on Life
• Our View of the World
  -----
• Our Ability to Connect
• Our Ability to Belong
• Our Ability to work as a Team
• Our Ability to Get Along
  -----
• Our Attitudes
• Our Goals
• Our Dreams
• Our Passions
• Our Joys
  -----
• Our Motivation
• Our Communication
• Our Indignation
• Our Exasperation

and of course,

• Our Behaviours!

A Safe Place

"Ask God to lead you to a safe place to deal with your issues where you can share confidences. Find people who will listen without trying to control or fix you, or turn you away from God; people who will encourage you to keep going and who will speak lovingly yet honestly."

from a newsletter by Generational Crossroads: A biblical approach to resolving family-of-origin issues

that's what I want ND to be (and I'm so proud that it is!) and so is our online support group, but that gave me very clear direction. thanks.

- Matt

Awareness is the 1st Key to Change

“Relative to the level of awareness that is possible for us, our ordinary state of consciousness is as far from a direct experience of reality as sleep is from waking consciousness.”

- Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Awareness is the 1st Key to Change.

A person asked Buddha:
“Are you a God?”
Buddha’s reply was
“No.”
“Are you an Angel?”
“No.”
“Then what are you?”
“I am Awake.”

- Unknown Source

Loving Attitude

if a bug gets on my screen, or on my walls.

I'll try to shoe them gently away. (unless it's a mosquito or a bee)

and if they return, again,

I say "Hello", smile and welcome them into my world.

Love and Support

"Matt,   you can use my wording any time.I would also like to say that I have never in my life experienced the type of love and support that is developed in such a short period of time, until I attended a ND weekend.

I have been practicing setting boundarys without getting out of control angry.Since I dealt with some intense childhood pain and anger,it seems easier to express myself without anger.Tonight is our reunion and I am looking forward to it. I will keep you posted. 

love Terri"

No Regrets

"Brighter is possibly the best word... In the breif respite I'm enjoying, I'm feeling more secure about me... I've separated myself from a few external judgments, let go of a few self imposed ones... released some emotions that I had stored specifically for use in being supportive of my partner (ie, matching)... seeing others' expectations of me for what they really are: just simple hopes that I will be okay...  and realizing that, regardless of their fears, I'm doing life just fine. If I die tomorrow, I'll have no regrets. 

From this place, happiness seems attainable."

- Andrew, 39, referring to ND

Society Needs Soul

"We live in a culture that is greatly biased against the imagination, because our culture is very materialistic, objective and literal. Our culture lacks soul, and doesn’t know it, although it experiences the consequences. When you don’t know what’s missing, then of course you don’t know what to bring in, even though you feel something is missing."

“We live in a world that needs more soul, more meaning. We, as conscious beings, have, as our primary responsibility, at this time in human history, the task of bringing soul into the world, or releasing soul into the world. We do this, first of all, in ourselves and in our own personal world; then we do it in our groups – including family; then we do it in our society through our work, relationships and presence there.”

-- Andrew Schneider

ND: It lets your Soul S I N G > > >

It is in your Power

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”

- Marcus Aurelius

Wisdom

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent;

the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult;

the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise."

- Aiden Nowlan

About People

A Course About People, by Thomas Leonard, the 'Father of the Coaching Industry", on what would have been his 50th birthday.

Complete wording is here (send a blank email):
mailto:2GetHelp.com-118974@autocontactor.com

SAMPLE STATEMENTS:

• People do not understand how greatly their decisions are influenced by their emotions.
• People think their beliefs are grounded in logic, whereas they most often are based on emotions.
• People who keep acting the same way keep getting the same things.
• People's love is at the bottom of every positive action. People are more willing to look at their shortcomings than their greatness.
• People are empowered when they switch from a perspective of 'I can't' to 'How can I?'. People haven't realized that basically everyone is faced with the same problems.
• People who give completely and wholeheartedly are rewarded by receiving completely and wholeheartedly.
• People who love well live well.
• People who recognize their environment effects their outcomes are aware of what steps need to be taken towards improvement.
• People think 'you've got mail' is correct English.
• People want to be connected to something bigger than themselves.
• People all suffer conflict between their heart and their head.
• People will do more to avoid the feeling of fear than attain the feeling of joy.
• People will treat you the way you teach them to.

Turning Anger Into Love

It's not:

I love you but I'm angry with you.

It's:

I love you and I'm angry with you.

both exist at the same time. remove the anger and what's left, the Love.
---
actually,

It's not even:

I'm angry with you.

it's more:

I'm angry with your Behaviour.

I can love you and hate your behaviours at the same time, too.

The Fear of Feeling

Good article by Dr. Margaret Paul on how/why we avoid our feelings:

"I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness.  The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. "

but, as Doc says, "Emotional pain is not terminal."

Read on: Afraid To Feel.

Love movie

Here's a very well done movie.  A touching reminder to Listen to people (S.U.A.L. = shut up and listen) and to tell the people you love that you love them.

http://www.TheLoveMovie.com/

-

-

love really is the answer.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Forgiveness is for you.

You carry the pain, and the anger, and the resentment.
You keep the grudge going.
You are the one with the nasty thoughts.

So forgiveness is for you.

They may never know you forgave them (sadly, they may not even know you are angry at them).

Forgiveness is about removing the pain that is Between you and that other person. Letting go of the anger and the resentment.
Releasing the emotional grudge you have going on.

Forgiveness is for you.

We have lots of control over our pain. Release it, as best you can. If you need help, ask someone to help who's not afraid of anger or tears.

Decide if you want to hang on to it, or let it go.

Remember too that Acceptance does not equal Approval.
You can hate what someone did to you, while Accepting that it did, in fact, happen.

cool, 2-minute movie on Forgiveness.
http://www.ForgivenessMovie.com

What People Say about ND (continued...)

What I Learned at New Directions

by Shannon, 28, still single, very painful childhood, works for her mom (yikes), incredibly low self-esteem borrowed money for a plane ticket from Illinois to take the July class. now she wants to move here!

I know I will be adding more items to this list because I keep thinking of more and more (isn't that great!). In fact, I've begun carrying a small notebook so I can write them down as they come to me. These items are in no particular order and some of them may fit for you, or perhaps none at all, and that's ok. However, I wanted to take some time to share them with all of you.

While at ND I learned:

• My fear of anger or what might happen if I became angry, was far worse than experiencing and expressing the anger itself.


• Taking a step back in my journey is not a failure, it's an opportunity to learn.


• How to shut up and listen, not only to others, but also myself.


• Not all people will reject me if I'm not "perfect" - people can love and accept me even if they don't agree with or approve of what I've done.


• My parents garbage is not mine unless I choose to make it mine.


• I am not my father, my mother, or my brother - I am my own person.


• I am loveable and worthy!


• I do have personal power!


• The difference between being victimized and being a victim.


• It is up to me to heal and nurture the little Shannon inside.


• I judge myself far more often than I realized - and that I can change that!


• I have a second home and family in Fresno.


• To accept the place I'm at in a given moment because it's where I'm supposed to be in that moment.


• Where I'm at is not where I have to stay.


• Having a concept of something is not the same as truly connecting with someone or something.


• I still have a great deal of anger inside in regards to my parents and Greg.


• I am not disappointed by other people - I am disappointed when I expect others (or myself) to meet unrealistic expectations

7.20.05 after her first class

========================

these next few are from our online group of loving and supportive people on MSN. - - http://groups.msn.com/2GetHelp

Hello Everyone,

Just wanted ya'll to know I'm appreciatin' each of you. I want to extend many thanks to the special people who encouraged, accepted, and truly listened to me this weekend. I learned so much about myself, faced many fears, and I'm proud of myself for the first time in, well, since I remember.

Thanks again for accepting me into the ND family!

-Shannon 7.21.05 again, a few days later.

---------------------

Hi Shannon,

Thank you for sharing with us what you have learned at the weekend. From what I’ve been hearing it was an excellent class. I can tell you from my perspective, it is an awesome experience to be able to witness that light going on, and to see the transformation in people’s countenance when that moment comes and they “get it.” Matt and Paula are indeed conduits, and God does work through them – even for those who don’t acknowledge him.

Look forward to hearing more of what Shannon and all of the ND graduates have learned.

- Christine
ND pro of 12+ years, see Christine's healing story

---------------------

Shannon,

Tears of joy filled my eyes when I read your list of things you learned at New Directions. What an amazing journey you have been on, and what an amazing group of people with whom to travel! You belong with people who care, because you have much to offer! Thank you for being here.

- John, LCSW

another veteran of 14+ years, has referred
numerous clients to ND over the years.
---------------------
Dear Shannon,

Your list is awesome! I love it! I'm so glad for you that you were able to experience ND (not just hear about how great it is). It has been my hope for you ever since I became a member of this group. I wish everyone could benefit from it, of course, but I felt especially close to you and have shared so much with you. Those items on the list will become more than just items, as time goes by. I have found that so many situations have come up for me where I was able to make different choices than those I made in the past - because I went to ND and learned.

You are a very intelligent, loving and caring person. I am so happy for you that you are on your way to experiencing the wonder of discovering your authentic self!

I do hope I will be able to see you in January! Hopefully, no crisis will arise!

Take care,

- Gay

yet Another pro of 6 years or so. Gay has TOTALLY changed her
attitude, self-esteem and outlook via ND. Ask her, she just loves to talk about it!

========================

Hi Matt,

It was great meeting you and Paula and everyone else, such a wonderful group of people!

I think the most important thing I took away from the class was the knowledge that I do have a choice in how I deal with my emotions.

I don't have to let pain rule my behavior. It would have been so easy to give into the very strong temptations to cut or drink or even suicide just to end the suffering. I know I had Sabrina and others praying for me because each time I was tempted I was reminded of my Personal Power and that I would be allowing Satan victory over me.

Thank you again for the incredible weekend,

- Kathy

40ish, married, 2 kids, meak and fearful, found her PP (personal power)
in class!  7.23.05, a week after her 1st class

========================
Matt, Thank you for caring - Michelle E.
========================

Dear Matt,

You're a big part of helping me learn to be more trusting of very
good men. I love your joyfulness. Than you for everything.

Love, Diane

========================

Matt -

There are no words to express what you have done for me this weekend. I have
never felt this way before in my life - I will be back to assist because I
want to give back.

Love, Jenny xxoo

========================

Matt, I'll be your co-pilot anytime! Just let me know when and where
and I'll be there. - Andrew :c)

========================

Anger and Understanding

Anger and intolerance are the twin enemies of correct understanding.

- Mahatma Gandhi, 1869-1948, Indian Political and Spiritual Leader

Great Emotions

"Disgust and resolve are two of the great emotions that lead to change."

- Jim Rohn

Know What you Feel

If you know what you feel, you'll know who you are and what you want!

We need to Educate our Kids

Researcher finds that up half (50%) of all mental illnesses start before the age of 14 and three-fourths (75%) by age 24.

"That so many cases begin in people so young “is just staggering” and underscores the need for better efforts at early detection and treatment, Kessler said."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8119644

Wow.
That means we gotta teach this stuff to our kids and teens or they're in trouble.

You can't teach them if you don't know it yourself, so please FIND OUT how to Take Control of Your Feelings & Emotions, so they don't take control of you, or your kiddos.

Happiness & Success

Want Happiness and Success in your Life?

Learn to Take Control of your Feelings and Emotions!

Answer this question about Feeling

How "in touch" with your Feelings are you?

When was the last time you cried? today or yesterday in the last week or month in the past year can`t remember, it`s been so long Results

Quotes on Safety

“Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff