Fears

Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.  -- Michael Pritchard

Came across this quote today.  It struck a chord within me.  I spent most of my life living in fear.  I have spent the last few years facing my fears.  I have a very good understanding of how my fears have limited me and how they still influence me.  The biggest fear I have is centered on motherhood.

My mother passed away a few weeks ago.  Our relationship was not a happy one.  It was one of me attempting to be the good daughter and her manipulating me to get what she wanted - to have someone to take care of her.  For the year before she died, I had nothing to do with her since I recognized the manipulation and decided it wasn't what I wanted in my life any more.  In the few months before she died I struggled within myself.  Should I be the good daughter or do I remain true to myself and not be manipulated?  I was a mix of both.

For the last couple of years I have experienced a touch of motherhood.  I have been the host mother to three teenage foreign exchange students.  Mostly to prove to myself that even without having a good example of what a mother should be that I knew how to be a good mother.  Teenage girls was probably not the place to start.  I have had my heart broken three times as each of these girls left me.  With the last one I finally saw where my fear of being a bad, mean mother kept me from being a loving, good mother.  Being a good mother isn't about being their best friend, taking all their hurts away, or protecting them from their own decisions.  It's about giving them some one they can talk to about anything, letting them experience the unfairness of life, and letting them deal with the consequences of their actions even as your heart hurts for them and you constantly question am I doing the right thing.

I wouldn't trade the last two years for anything.  I have learned so much and gained so much strength.  I have beat my fear of motherhood and quieted those negative voices.  I have found a balance - how to love unconditionally and be okay with only being a guide who isn't always liked or listened to.

With my deepest respect for parents,

     Sue

Comments

[Shauna @ Women & Money]

Suellen;

Heartfelt thanks for this post. From the quote at the beginning to your revelation at the end, I enjoyed every word.

As the mother of an amazing ten year old daughter, I wrestle almost daily with some of the things you mention...that balance between wanting to help her make the best choices based on MY experience, and really just being a guide and a confidante; letting her go through things herself and learn her own lessons. It's her life - not mine. And you're right - she's not always going to like me, and I have to be OK with that.

You touched me by making me see that even without children, women deal with thoughts about 'Mom' issues. We all have dynamics which stem from our relationships with our own mothers, and not having kids to play this out with, I can imagine you would have unanswered questions. This is a perspective I had never thought of, and again I thank you for sharing it so sweetly and honestly. The girls you mentored are lucky, indeed.

Take care,

Shauna Arthurs