Death and Awareness

I can accept that people and events are placed in my path for a purpose.  A purpose I may not understand and a purpose I may never understand.  I also believe that there are recurring patterns in my life and behaviors that can be changed when I finally see and accept the patterns.

Some patterns are very hard to see.  They run so deep and have existed for so long that I don't recognize them when they occur.  I accept them as normal.  I recently had a pattern revealed to me and I am still reeling from the implications and flashing back on many decisions made with a new understanding.

It's interesting that this pattern is revealed during yet another painful period in my life - the approach of my mother's death.  The timing of the two is another reminder that there is a higher power who is helping me to understand and grow if I'm willing to listen.  My history with my mother has been a painful and abusive one.  But I never understood my relationship with her.  My mother didn't teach me that pain is a natural part of life.  She taught me that life was all about pain.

With that belief as the undercurrent of my life, I can see the reasoning behind so many of my choices.  I was making decisions that would keep the pain as a constant companion in my life.  If I couldn't create enough of my own pain to satisfy that need, I would take on and accept the pain of others.  Yet I caught myself in a trap.  I know that being in pain constantly was wrong.  I also knew what it felt like to take on the pain of others.  I made a choice not to pass the pain I carried on to anyone else and the cost was the ending of many relationships.  With my new realizations, I also stopped denying my own pain and began to feel and know how much I have endured and held on to.  I am learning new skills on how not to take responsibility for the pain of others and to release what I am already carrying.  My first chance to test these new skills is with my mom.

I am making choices on how I am dealing with her care and the way I want our relationship to end.  It has been so hard to make choices that would be best for me and were also in her best interest.  I have been judging myself harshly.  Constantly questioning whether I'm making these choices so that I would intentionally hurt her.  I've come to peace with myself.  I'm not out to hurt my mother.  While the decision I made to leave her in a nursing home was not one she wanted me to make, it was the best one for both of us.  She is toxic to my well-being.  She was in a place where she was safe and being taken care of in a way that I could not do without hurting myself.  When my sister made the choice to take mom to her home, I expressed my concerns and let her make her own decision.  In the process of attempting to move mom, the stress on mom's body was too much.  And even though she is still breathing, the person that I have loved and hated for so many years is gone.

I am thankful that I made the time to call before they left and tell mom how much I love her and was able to hear and accept how much she loves me.  And maybe in the process of letting her go, I can also let go of all the anger and pain that I've held on to as the only way I knew how to love my mother.  I do wish we had the time to find an easier and less painful way to love each other.

     Sue