Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

PHILOSOPHY IN PSYCHOTHERAPY with ALBERT ELLIS, Ph.D.

Below is an interview with Albert Ellis, Ph.D.  Please read it thru, or at least skim it.  It is the clearest, most profound explanation I've seen about how Human Behaviour works, including the feelings and emotions behind all that we do.

Some of Dr. Ellis's basic premises:

• "The main thing is to accept responsibility for what you do."
• "we use humor" -- "when you're unhumorous you take things too seriously"
• "we show you how to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously, which is what emotional disturbance is about"
• "when people awfulize, when they make things awful, they're using that almost as a screen to keep from getting in touch with their genuine feelings of disappointment."
• "you can like yourself and dislike what you do"
• "Masturbation is good and delicious, but musterbation is evil and pernicious."
  The three main musts are:
  • "I must do well or I'm no good,"
  • "You, you louse, must treat me well or you're worthless and deserve to roast in hell,"
  • "The world must give me exactly what I want, precisely what I want, or it's a horrible, awful place."

Read on...
http://www.intuition.org/txt/ellis.htm

- Matt

from the series Thinking Allowed, Conversations On the Leading Edge of Knowledge and Discovery, with Dr. Jeffrey Mishlove.

Are you a Believer or a Doubter?

"If you expect the best, you will be the best.

Learn to use one of the most powerful laws in this world; change your mental habits to belief instead of disbelief. Learn to expect, not to doubt. In so doing, you bring everything into the realm of possibility."

- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

Stop and be aware! Have you been thinking about what you want or what you don’t want?

It’s so easy to lock our minds onto problems rather than opening to receive solutions. But what we think is what we get. This is so important! If we continually focus on problems and negatives, that’s where we’ll stay.

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."

- Helen Keller

At Higher Awareness, we offer inspiring, thought-provoking emails to support your successful completion of each program. Consistent focused attention is the key to change. Try a few of our programs. Be inspired and supported daily!

Inner Critic

This has been a week of some heavy thinking and more emotional lows than highs.  I have been working on accepting who I am at this moment in all of my glorious humanness.  The aspects I am proud of and the aspects I do not want to accept as mine and accepting that what I am doing is a better definition of who I am even though it may not be who I want to be and is not something that I want to accept about myself.  I have also been struggling with my own doubts about my capabilities, trusting myself to do what is right for me, and understanding who I am and what I want.

A little history will make things a little clearer.  About three weeks ago all the pressure that was building at work and that I was taking on as my sole responsibility became more than I could physically and emotionally handle.  I reached out and asked for help to bring the feelings that were overwhelming me to a level that I could manage on my own with some support from friends and professionals.  Last week I made a major life-changing decision and have been battling consciously and unconsciously with my inner critic and depression ever since.  This past week I have become aware of a few of my behaviors and characteristics that have served as ammunition for my inner critic to tear down my self-esteem and deepen the depression.

• That at this period in my life I am a victim and want to be pitied and have someone come rescue me from all of my problems.
• That I am incapable of standing up for myself with the controlling men who have been a part of my life.
• That I have played so many roles in my life to survive that I don't know what is truly me and what is just an aspect of the role I have played.
• That I use my own anger to manipulate myself past the fear of setting the boundaries to take care of myself that I won't set otherwise.

This afternoon as I was reading a book on self-esteem, the purpose of the inner critic, and ways to diffuse the voice of the inner critic; I found the target for all of the bottled up anger that was making me depressed and causing me to doubt myself.  I then took an hour to be angry at my inner critic and myself and to show myself that my inner critic wasn't presenting all of the facts.

• I agree that at this point in time I am a victim and want to be pitied and rescued.  I also understand that this is the way I was taught to deal with life problems from my mother and am still in the process of unlearning the old ways and replacing them with different ways.  I also know that I am not always a victim and am extremely capable of dealing with most of my problems on my own and revert to old ways when it all becomes too overwhelming.
• I agree that I have a history of not standing up for myself with controlling men.  I also agree that I still have an issue with standing up to my father on most things and my boss on a few things.  I also know that I stood up to a stalker this week and was able to define and defend a boundary and clearly state the consequences if he crossed the boundary.
• I agree that I have played many roles in my life and that each of those roles was necessary to survive and allow me to reach this stage of awareness and growth.  They are all a part of me and now I have the opportunity to choose which ones to keep, which ones to change, and which ones to discard.  Doc Downing has a saying that "What you resists, persists."  I can't change or discard what I won't accept is a part of me.  It's time to start accepting those parts of me I don't like and then do something about getting rid of them.
• I agree that I use my anger to manipulate myself to set boundaries.  So what.  I am setting boundaries and I am taking care of myself.  I am not real happy with the fact that I need to use anger to overcome my fear of setting them.  But until I become more comfortable setting boundaries and learn a different way to do so, I'll use whatever works.

I came away winning this battle, silencing that critic temporarily, and feeling much better and more confident in my abilities and choices.  This is just a battle; the war is not over.  But I beat him once and I know that I can beat him again and again and again until the voice loses it's ability to influence how I live my life.  It's a good thing that I love a challenge.  While it can be a frustrating experience, life is full of marvelous challenges and fulfilling rewards.

     Sue Wiseman

Take Time To Trust

Oftentimes leaders attempt to quantify or qualify the time they spend with their staff or even their children!  We hear, “I invested hours of quality time to train that individual”, or “It takes years of dedicated training to produce a worthy employee”, or even “I’m such an awesome leader that I don’t even need to spend much time with my subordinates.  They will get a high quality lesson from working near me.”

It’s not that spending quality time or a good quantity of time with your team is a bad thing; clearly a leader’s relationship with teammates depends on time.  But quality or quantity time spent with your subordinates is not the goal – only a means to achieve the goal.  This is a very important distinction.  Some leaders will take an occasional five minutes to focus on one teammates’ needs and consider that his or her leadership obligation for the pay-period.  However, it’s not the amount of time or the content of that discussion itself, but what comes out of it that is important.  It is a valuable use of time only if it deepens the Leader-Subordinate relationship and moves the employee into a closer relationship with the Company and, of course, our Lord.  Time is not the goal – relationship is.

The problem with focusing on time allocation is that it forces us to measure our leadership success in tangible forms.  We tend to look at how well our team is performing and how much production is increasing rather than at what type of relationships we are developing within the body of Christ.

If you want to be a relationship building leader, put away those measuring sticks that the Board of Directors may demand and ask yourself: Do my teammates trust me?  Do they take my advice?  Do they really trust me, or do they only respond out of fear for their job?  Trust is not simply a human emotion but a feeling of ongoing confidence in a person, place or thing; it is the foundation for any good relationship.  Establishing this trusting relationship with your staff should be the primary focus of the Christian leader, with production measurements playing only a supporting role.  The quantity and quality of trust built and maintained between a leader and his team/family is the truest measure of our relationship with them.

I’ve already repeated the statement that trust is not simply a human emotion but a feeling of ongoing confidence, but what is Trust?  For an employee, trust is the bridge linking their need to know that they belong to the team with the actual act of being employed.  It links their need to know they are accepted with the actual act of being accepted.  And, here we go again, it links their need to know they are loved with the fact that they truly are loved!  YES, even at work.  The bridge of trust built and maintained by the leader secures the employees need to feel connected to the Company, as a family.

All relationships depend on trust, especially in the workplace!  The relationship between the Company and the Leader is built on mutual trust.  The relationship between the bank and the Company is built on mutual trust.  The relationship between our vendors and our Company is built on trust.  The relationship between the Christian Leader and their subordinates must be built on trust.  Without trust in the relationship, you only have a mutual consent to work together. Without trust you will either have to lead by force or abandon the idea of leading all together.  If your subordinates cannot trust you more than the fellow worker, then inevitably those peers will provide more influence than you can muster.  How are you going to lead your team into a God-Based relationship if you can’t get them to trust you?  Did your business start because a banker called the entrepreneur and offer to give him money without a nickel to his name?  This is unusual and highly unlikely.  The entrepreneur developed an idea and developed the trust in some key players along the way to building the Company.  There was trust in many places on the way to a well-established firm.  If you’re there, great – keep it up, but if you’re still working on that structure, build trust into every relationship along the way.  A relationship of trust does not happen overnight, it comes the old fashioned way – we earn it.

-from “Greater Businesses, God’s Way”

www.gbgw.org 

Meanings

There is a saying that a picture is worth a thousand words.  I believe that it is true.  In fact I believe that the picture is even more important than the words because it transcends the meanings that have been associated with the words.  A recent incident with a stalker has really brought home the different meaning associated with words.

I was raised with the beliefs that "nice" girls and "good" girls did whatever was necessary to keep the peace.  Whether it was to completely change who they truly were or allow themselves to be used and treated as if they were worthless.  This didn't make me a good girl or a nice girl; it made me a victim.  It made me a person with low self-esteem, a person who doesn't believe she is worthy of anything good in her life including love, and a person who cannot accept the good things within herself and that come her way.

It has taken this recent incident for me to see the difference between being nice and being a victim.  I can still be nice and set boundaries.  I can still be nice and let others know what is acceptable and unacceptable in their treatment of me.  I can still be nice and trust that I have the strength necessary to be completely who I am and do what I know is right in my heart.  Being nice does not mean that I have to accept everybody else's problems and make them my responsibility.  It does not mean that I have to be the doormat that everyone walks all over.  It does not mean that I have to accept abusive treatment.

There is still a victim inside of me that is waiting for her knight in shining armor to come up on his white steed and rescue me from my dire fate in life.  With each fear I face and each belief I change that knight is slowly being replaced with the vision of a Valkyrie, a woman who determines the victors of battles and the course of wars and searches the battle ground for mortals worthy of the grand hall of Valhalla.  I am beginning to believe that I am worthy of the grand hall and that I will not let that victim stand in my way.

      Sue Wiseman

Loving Yourself

"It is not selfish or narcissistic to love yourself.
It is your first and foremost responsibility."

- Alan Cohen

Personal Bill of Rights

1. You have the right to be treated with respect.
2. You have the right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior.
3. You have the right to get angry.
4. You have the right to say no.
5. You have the right to make mistakes.
6. You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions, and convictions.
7. You have the right to change your mind or to decide on a different course of action.
8. You have the right to negotiate for change.
9. You have the right to ask for emotional support or help.
10. You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.

Forward Ph.D, S. & Torres, J. Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them. 1986. Bantam Books, New York.

Facing Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve you or the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Nelson Mendella

imho, Fear is THE most debilitating and life-limiting feeling we have.  If we can cope with our fears, we can be who we want, and accomplish almost anything. 

"Feel the Fear, and Do it Anyway."

- Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

"You've got to think, so why not think BIG."

- Donald Trump

Say YES to Life!

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."

- Ben Stein

...and picture it, and ask for, and see yourself having it.
- The Secret  http://www.TheSecret.TV

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"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside."

- Stephen Covey

Compassion and Understanding

"When we experience the pain of another person, we instinctively want to take away that pain. But by taking away the other person’s pain, we also take away his or her opportunity to grow. To be truly compassionate, we must be able to share another person’s suffering and pain -- knowing there is nothing we can do to relieve it and that we are not responsible for it, and yet knowing and understanding what that pain feels like."

- John Gray, Ph.D.

my notes:
a)  I agree that our job, in being emotionally compassionate and understanding, is not to "take away" people's pain.

b) However, I don't agree that "there is nothing we can do to relieve it"... we can.  We can encourage the person who is hurting to actually FEEL their painful feelings... cry if they need to cry, feel their anger if they need to... and in so doing, allow the pain to dissipate and go away.

c) And I definitely agree that, in order to be truly compassionate, we must be in touch with our feelings and emotions enough to truly SHARE in a person's suffering and pain.  We share, not in a way that trashes us, but in a way where our love care and concern for that person comes through loud and clear.