Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Self-Evaluation

Emotional Intelligence Self-Evaluation Assessment

Measures:

• Emotional Awareness
• Managing One's Emotions
• Self-Motivation
• Empathy
• Coaching Others' Emotions

Take the 30-question test here:

http://ed.swau.edu/England/handouts/emotional_intelligence_self-evaluation.pdf

Feelings are the Key!

"With just a little education and practice on how to manage your emotions, you can move into a new experience of life so rewarding that you will be motivated to keep on managing your emotional nature in order to sustain it. The payoff is delicious in terms of improved quality of life."

- Doc Childre

Benefits of Emotional Intelligence

1. Better communication skills

Powerful, not wimpy. Strong and able to be tough, without being Cold. With personal Boundaries and the strength and tools to uphold them.

2. Heightened Self-Awareness

• "Depression is Anger turned Inward."
• "When we feel Guilty, we'll set ourselves up to be Punished."
• "Negative emotions, expressed verbally as intensely as they are felt, will take place and are free to change."
• "Guilt is optional."
• "Everything is your fault… if you're lucky." (because then you have some control and can fix it)

3. Acceptance and Forgiveness, of yourself and others.

4. Best of all, you'll be able to Feel, really FEEL!

Feel Loved, Feel Happy, Feel Connected, Feel Safe, Feel a Part of (not alone).
Feel Joy, Feel Peace, Feel Love, Feel ALIVE!  Once safety and trust are established inside of you, you can experience an Acceptance and understanding of people (including ourselves) that is so freeing, healing and validating. No games, no hidden agendas, no competition, just connection, sharing and acceptance. (it's my favorite thing -- feeling Safe and Ok -- like I wanted my childhood to be).Are old childhood events still eating at you? Still angry toward someone from your past? You can learn how to deal with your past, no matter what happened to you. As a child we really are a victim. As an adult, we can choose to deal with our pain, resolve old hurts and dissappointments, and then let it all go -- not stuffed, but cleansed. Awareness alone can change your life for the better. Doc Downing's emotional intelligence concepts are ground-breaking and profound, read his textbook "Taking Control of Your Life". Even if you've been "aware" for some time now, I guarantee you haven't heard many of Doc's concepts. Once you hear them, you might even wonder why you didn't think of them yourself. They are simple, elegant and best of all, they WORK!
examples:

Quotes on Guilt (2)

"If we don’t forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and others for the wounds they have inflicted upon us, we end up crippled with guilt. And the soul cannot grow under a blanket of guilt, because guilt is isolating, while growth is a gradual process of reconnection to ourselves, to other people, and to a larger whole."

- Joan Borysenko

"Guilt is optional.  You can take it or leave it.  It's totally up to you."

- Matt Perelstein

"Whenever we feel guilty, we will set ourselves up to be punished."

- Doc Downing, Ph.D. LMFT

Quotes on Sadness

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."

- William Shakespeare

"When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left."

- Sufi epigram

"There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and recovered hope."

- George Eliot

"Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal. …Sadness is painful. We try to avoid it. Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our emotional pain. To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us. The therapeutic slogan is that grieving is the ‘healing feeling.’"

- John Bradshaw

above from Higher Awareness, my favorite daily quotes!

...and...

"Feelings expressed verbally, at the level they are felt, will reduce in intensity and are free to change."

- Doc Downing, Ph.D., LMFT

Despair

My parents married for the wrong reasons and stayed together because of the children.  While I am thankful they were married because I wouldn't be here otherwise, I am angry that they remained together for as long as they did.  I established a number of beliefs about marriage and relationships during that period that I am having to unlearn or change through a process of pain, grief, anger, depression, doubt and confusion.

• I learned that the only purpose for a woman was to raise a family and take care of her husband.
• I learned that love's constant companion was anger.
• I learned that depression was the normal state of being a wife.
• I learned that self-sacrifice was the only way to gain love and acceptance if only temporarily.
• I learned that I couldn't rely or depend on anyone to be there for me.
• I learned that I was responsible for everyone's irresponsibility.
• I learned that I was not important.
• I learned to keep the family secrets.
• I learned to be a victim.

My parents are great teachers and I am an excellent student.  I had no reason to believe they were wrong and I was taught very early to not question them or their authority.  I had an offer made to me yesterday that appealed to me on many levels and is in alignment with the lifepath I believe I want to follow.  Mired in a period of deep despair, tiredness, and low self-esteem, I wrote a response that has been bothering me all day.  After reading some correspondence between myself and my life coach about my willingness to remain a victim, the dark cloud lifted.

Over the last couple of months I have been overwhelming myself with worrying over blank areas of my past, preparing for the pain of the losses I see in the near future, feeling guilty for failing in responsibilities that I had assumed for others, and fearing the consequences of making different choices.  I had fallen back into being a victim, believing in the old beliefs, and resuming my old coping mechanisms of burying myself in work and shutting myself off from feeling and people and hope.  I forgot that living is about being present in and making the most of the here and now.  I can chose who and what I attract into my life.

My parents are still great teachers and I am still an excellent student.  It took me realizing how closely I am following my mother's example of living a victim's life of anger, unhappiness, and regrets to decide that I am capable of doing it differently.  I will stumble and take some painful detours along the way.  With the support of friends and trust in myself, I will create the life I want and be there to support others in their journey to a fulfilling life.

                   Sue Wiseman

How to be Happy

Remember the five simple rules to being Happy:

     1. Free your heart from hatred.
     2. Free your mind from worries.
     3. Live simply.
     4. Give more.
     5. Expect less.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness IS NOT:

1) A sense of false humility that makes us better than somebody else

2) Condoning ignorant or harmful behavior

3) Any one specific set of "right" behaviors

4) A "spiritual" evasion of real grief work.

Forgiveness IS:

1) A deep psycho-spiritual process capable of honing our wisdom

2) An attitude that sets us free, so that we are not continually revictimized by our wounds

3) A way that replaces fear and isolation with love and connection

4) A dramatic action we can take to improve our health

5) A way to live in beauty and in balance - without judgment or expectation toward self or others.

"Seventy Times Seven" by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D

John Bradshaw

John Bradshaw is one of my biggest heros, and has personally made a huge difference in my growth and healing...

See a list of his many works here.

Thanks, John!

Feeling Verbs

Here's some of the verbs I've heard about what we do with our Feelings & Emotions:

• Get in touch with your feelings
• Manage your emotions
• Get a handle on your feelings
• Get a grip on yourself
• Calm down
• Mellow out
• Chill, take a chill pill
• Relax and enjoy
• Take a break
• Find inner peace
• Deal with your inner child
• CHAMPION your inner child  (john bradshaw)
• Anger Management
• Take control of your life
• Build your self-esteem
• ... and many more ...

(add your own by adding a comment, below...)