Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ

IQ = Intelligence Quotient score.
Feeling IQ = Emotional Intelligence score.
Emotional intelligence why it can matter more than IQ

• IQ is a measure of Intelligence, ability to learn, smarts. Your IQ is about your ability to think.
• Feeling IQ is a measure of how well you know YOURSELF, how you deal with your emotions, your environment and your heart, your ability to feel, care, experience, love. Your Feeling IQ is about your ability to LIVE!

Learn, grow, feel, heal.  Do what you can to increase your Feeling IQ  It will change your life experience forever!

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more later on:
Relationship IQ = Personal Relationship Intelligence score.

Depression and Grief

This has been a week of bouncing between high highs and low lows.  Today I reached a point where I have just had enough.  I am tired of making decisions.  I am tired of questioning my own motives.  I am tired of interacting with people.  I am tired of wearing the masks.  I am tired of searching for answers.  I am tired of changing my reality as new truths are uncovered.  I am tired of being tired.  I am tired of being depressed.

Depression has been a companion for many years.  It was there when I didn't know what it was.  Now it is here when I know what it is.  Awareness is the first step in understanding depression's message.  Acceptance is the second.  For me, acceptance is the hardest.  I have worked so hard to pull myself out of depression; I am not willing to accept that I not finished being there and need to go back.  I am feeling myself falling so quickly and deeply.  While I know that I am capable of working my way through this, I am also afraid of getting stuck in it again and spending the next ten years wandering around lost.

The holiday season is starting and all I can see this year are all of my losses.  The loss of my childhood innocence, the loss of my adolescence, the loss of the bond between sisters, the absence of a nuturing mother, the absence of a protective father, the ending of a marriage, and the hardest one -- the death of my grandfather.  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  It is a time when family comes together.  Thanksgiving of 2000 was the first time my grandfather came to my home.  It was a time of eating too much, laughter, fellowship, and old stories.  He passed away six weeks later.  The grieving was put on hold to deal with work and to spare my husband the tears that made him uncomfortable.  I am still having difficulty in releasing the cleansing tears.  I believe that this depression is telling me that the time for greiving is here.  Yet I am afraid that in expressing the loss I feel that I will also lose the memories I want to keep. 

Rationally and spiritually I know that in releasing the grief and pain, the love and caring expressed in those memories will shine more brightly.  They will no longer be hidden under a dark cloud or locked away in a safe place.  The love and joy expressed in those memories will grow and I will share the abundance with others.  My fear is not rational; in fact, it is highly irrational.  Sharing through these writings is making it easier for me to reach out for help and support in person.  The tears have started and another phase of healing begins.

          Sue Wiseman

Post #500

Well, folks, this post is officially the 500th post on this blogsite!

... and the message hasn't changed over the past 3 years (only refined a bit).  It's still:

Emotional Intelligence is the key to Happiness and Success in your life!

You can't Heal what you can't Feel.
If you need some help with your feelings -- if you don't feel much at all, or you feel alot of what you don't want to feel -- we can help.

Keep feelin' and healin'.
My best to you, always.
- Matt

The Guest House

By Jelaluddin Rumi
translated by Coleman Barks in his book *Essential Rumi*

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Love, by Leo Buscaglia

Read the book

"Love" by Leo Buscaglia

http://www.buscaglia.com/

Why do we Love?

Remember the Love.
Do you know WHY you love?

Why do we love?

I ask people that question and they usually come up with a socially-acceptable response like "to help" or "to find a mate" or "to be loved."

but I believe we love for 1 main reason: "IT FEELS GOOD!"
"It's Fun!" - "It makes me feel connected." - "It inspires me." - " It makes me happy!" - "I love to love!"

We are self-centered people, in general, so let's admit what's true:

"We love because it feels good."  period.

All That Really Matters is the Love!

"Whatever you do today, remember ONE thing.
That in the end, all that really matters is the LOVE!
Did you seek it? Did you find it?
But most importantly - DID YOU GIVE IT?
Remember the LOVE!"

- Veronica Hay, shared by LarryClovis on our awesome emotional support site, 2GetHelp. Check other inspiring stories and articles here.

Beliefs

This morning my daughter came to me looking very sad and scared.  She had heard from her boyfriend that his mother had cancer and she wanted to know what I could tell her about the disease.  I could tell by her comments and actions that she had accepted this diagnosis as a death sentence and that it is unfair that this kind woman has cancer.  I could offer my daughter little in the way of information but I choose to offer her hope and support.  A few years ago I would have also thought that cancer is a death sentence.  Experience with family members and friends having cancer has shown me that cancer can be beaten.  Even if it can't, full and meaningful lives can be lived and amazing strength of character can shine through.

Earlier this week I was talking to a newcomer to my divorce group who was struggling to understand why her husband is having an affair and wants a divorce and how she can reconcile this with her faith.  I could see her confusion, anger, hurt, and guilt.  I can remember those same feelings when my husband asked for a divorce.  I choose to offer her my time and listen to her and give her support without telling her to just snap out of it.  Even though I experienced my parents' divorce when I was thirteen, I was shown at that time I just needed to snap out of it and be the solid, reliable base for the rest of the family to lean on.  Before my divorce, I would have told this woman to just get over it and move on.

This week my boss came to me as a concerned friend to express his disappointment in the level of my performance and productivity.  While he realized that the Sue everyone relied on a few years ago would not be returning, he was disappointed that I was not fulfilling that past role.  Before the divorce my focus was on my husband and my work.  My work also became the place where I would go to escape the unhappiness I was experiencing at home.  I was working 60-70 hours per week and my productivity was amazing.  After my divorce I changed the focus of my life and sought a better balance between work, family, spirituality, relaxation and self-care.  To attain that balance I cut my hours at work to about 50 hours per week and my productivity decreased accordingly.  I presented him with options that I was willing to do in order to come closer to satisfying his expectations.  If he decides not to accept any of them or can not offer any other viable options, I choose not to accept the guilt and blame of his unmet expectations that I would have accepted as my responsibility in the past. 

I look back and see how many of my beliefs have changed over the last two years and am amazed.  I am also surprised and excited about how much the quality of my life has improved. 

• I have found a happiness that I only remember feeling a few times in my past. 
• I have refound a trust in myself that I lost many years ago. 
• I actually believe that I can do whatever I set out to do instead of just portraying a mask of unfelt confidence. 
• I have broken free of some of my fears.
• I am enjoying the here and now.
• I am looking forward to whatever I can create for my future. 
• I am reaching outside of my protective and restrictive shell.
• I am creating a circle of supportive friends.

                 Sue Wiseman

What Counts?

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

- Albert Einstein

Rescuing Myself

I went to the New Directions workshop this weekend as an assistant and had no conscious plans on anything I wanted to work on for myself.  I think I knew that by assisting this weekend that I would gain something.  And just like the first time through this workshop, I am surprised by what it is.  I remained receptive to the people there but tonight I realized that while I did not completely shut down my awareness of my own emotions and reactions, I had placed the emotional awareness of my own needs in the background in order to help others.  I should have known that they wouldn't stay in the background.

I have been struggling for the past three months with my child's vision of my father as the hero in my fantasy with the adult's reality of the physical and verbal abuse suffered by my mother, step-mother, sister and half-sister and indirectly by me.  By denying the abuse that I suffered, I realized that I was trapping myself in my fear of being abandoned by him yet again.  By holding onto this fear, I could deny that the father I wanted had already abandoned me by becoming this angry, abusive shell of a man.  I came to this weekend believing that I was not ready to move past that fear but my spirit knew differently and placed me where I needed to be to hear and feel what I needed to hear and feel.  In this wonderfully safe place among these amazingly loving people that I trust, I heard a suggestion and unconsciously followed it all day long.  I did not ask for my own time but was able to work on me through the experiences of others.  I realized on the way home that the fear no longer existed.  Sometime during the day, I had begun accepting the existence of my abuse.  Through my acceptance I was able to release my guilt.  By releasing my guilt, I no longer needed to be rescued by my father because I had just rescued myself.

I can take my father off the pedestal and see him through adult eyes.  I can see a man who is so angry with something and does not know how to identify what he is truly angry at and direct his anger there.  I can find the compassion within myself to see the lost and hurting boy within my father.  I am no longer afraid to talk to him and set the boundary that will protect myself and my daughters from being exposed to his verbal abuse.  I am no longer afraid of enforcing that boundary and possibly losing a relationship with my father since I want a relationship with him based on love and respect and not fear and anger.

          Sue Wiseman