Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Enjoy Your Choice!

ENJOY YOUR CHOICE!

When people "give their power away" by thinking a situation is out of their control when, in fact, it is about a decision they have made, it creates a lot of anxiety and unhappiness.  If people can reframe the situation and really "get" that it is a decision that they made (and are currently making), and if they don't like it they can make another decision, then life can be a bit easier, you know?

I teach this in my classes, actually.  Many people reevaluate the situation that they are unhappy about and do indeed make a different decision.  However, for some people it is simply a reframe, they change nothing, but it changes everything.  Let me give you a real-life example about that that happened to one of my students:

"Tina" was complaining over several sessions of class about how badly her daughter treats her--rude, verbally abusive, etc.  We all sympathized (assuming she was stuck for the next few years with an out-of-control teen!), then it dawned on me to ask her the age of the child.  Well, the daughter was 20 years old!  The whole class groaned and said, "Kick her out...the gravy train has stopped!"  Tina burst into tears, and when she settle down, she said she could never do that.  She said her own mother had thrown her out at a young age and had never helped her and had never helped with one cent toward her education. 

Tina said she was never going to do that with her own daughter and would not be able to live with the guilt.  She was so definite about this, that I told her to "enjoy her choice."  I said that she was making a choice about keeping her daughter at home and helping her through school, that accepting the abuse was worth it to her because (again to her) it was better than the guilt she would suffer.  So, I said "Tina, enjoy your choice.  If in a month or two (or year or two) you no longer want to accept the abuse, then make a different choice." 

The next class, Tina told us that her own attitude had changed every thing...not her daughter at all, but her own inner workings.  When her daughter was mean to her, she stayed calm with her inner voice telling her, "Right now, this is worth not feeling the guilt of throwing my daughter out.  It is a choice I am making here and now.  Someday, maybe I will make a different choice."

- Valerie Gemanis
   Family Nurturing Programs
   Trainer/Consultant

Self-Anger

Day 71 of 100:  How do we deal with Anger at ourselves?

Wow, that's a tough question.  We speak of "dealing with" our anger at a perpetrator, or uncaring parent, or someone's who abandoned or betrayed us... but what if the focus of our anger is at Ourself?

Here's a few thoughts on this touchy, yet important, subject:

• First, we were NOT born angry at ourselves and we probably didn't start our lives out that way.  If the only person you seem to be angry at is yourself, keep digging... that is not a natural state and I'll bet you there that someone first TAUGHT you to be shameful and disgusted with yourself.  Deal with your anger at them, too (or instead).
• Second, self-anger can be valid, if we really did things wrong, hurt ourselves, or were mean or rotten to others in our lives, we have a right, and maybe even a Need, to be angry with ourselves.  (see my article on Punishing Guilt vs. Productive Guilt here)
• Third, self-anger can be overdone.  Like all anger, there are Good, healthy ways to handle our anger and there are Bad, unhealthy, abusive ways of handling it.  If we did stuff wrong, then it's fine to be angry, even at ourselves.  But it's NOT ok to be abusive, cutting, name-calling, degrading and shaming.  Don't do it to others and don't do it to yourself!
• Go ahead.  Face it.  Feel it.  Deal with it.  Look in a mirror if it helps (but don't punch the mirror, please) and say all the things you need to say to yourself.  Write yourself a letter.  Punch a pillow or a bed or a couch. Shout it out.  Push it out.  Let it all out... 'til it's gone.
• Then it's time to Forgive yourself, too.  Let it go.  Release your pent-up anger and find ways to Love and Accept yourself.

Do you have self-anger going on?  Is it past or present?  Are you ready to Forgive yourself, but getting stuck.  Write to me and let's talk.  Otherwise, give yourself a break.  Forgive.

Good luck and God speed.

Guilt: Two Kinds

Day 70 of 100:  Guilt can be Good or Bad.

There are Two (2) Kinds of Guilt:

Punishing Guilt -- when you're Trashing yourself and beating yourself up for something you did, or didn't do.  and then there's

Productive Guilt -- when you are Learning your lesson, taking the consequences of your actions boldly and maturely, and vowing inside yourself to Learn from your experience and become a better man because of it.

Knowing the difference between these two has Totally changed my life. Seriously. I was a guilt monger, full of punishing guilt. I've done plenty of stuff wrong, and I bashed myself for years over it all.

This is NO LONGER Acceptable so I had to find a better way.

It's true that some of the stuff I did was not acceptable. ever. ever again. none, zero, nada.  So I figured I'd better Learn my lessons and figure out how to make damned sure that these never happened again.

So I had to change my Punishing Guilt: trashing, discouraging, shame-based, lower-my-eyes, slump-my-shoulders, feel bad about myself, and less than, and unworthy kinda feeling

... into ...

Productive Guilt.

Ok.  So I screwed up. Now what? feel sorry for myself? feel bad about myself? I don't think so. I've got too much to do, to much accomplish, to share, to feel. I want to Live my life. I don't want be a Potential, or a drag, or an ass to be around. I want to live my life to the FULLest that I can. I will learn from my mistakes. I will become a better person because of them. I will help others do the same with their mistakes.

So I had to Learn. To make my guilt Productive and educational.  Not to feel bad, but to understand, and awaken, and accept.

hey, we've all made mistakes in our past, stuff we're not proud of... I'm not alone here and neither are you... but it's just a matter of what we Do with those mistakes now, emotionally, in the present and future, that counts.  Can you let it go?  Can you be sure you will NEVER do some of the stuff you did, again?  If so, you can LET GO of the Guilt and move on.

It's ok.  You're forgiven.

Parenting Tips

Day 69 of 100:  Your Child's Self-Esteem

I just read this and it hit me.  According to Redirecting Children's Behaviour:

• The average child receives 12.5 minutes per day in a communication with a parent.
• On the average, a child receives 400 negative comments compared to only 32 positive comments per day.
• In a study of children between the ages of 1-12, the single most important determinant of children’s self esteem is the perception of how much they are valued by their parents.

Kids need to FEEL Valued by their parents, in order to Value themselves!

Please tell your kids (or parents or friends or co-workers) that you like them.  That you're glad they're in your life.  That they are Important to you.  please.

Tell at least one person.  today.

btw, that site has a cool 8-part fre^e mini-course on Parenting... give it a try here.

Trust

Day 68 of 100:  Let's talk about Trust.

Ok, so you may have gotten burned in past relationships.  Who hasn't?!?  Join the club.  So how do you rebuild your level of Trust in other humans?

Ronald Reagan said:
"Trust and Verify"

We got burned by someone who didn't do what we Expected them to do (or did something we didn't expect them to do).  So, to rebuild Trust it's best to:

1. Get clear.  Figure out what you are Expecting from another person.
2. Have the talk.  Let them know what it is you're Expecting (or not expecting) to happen.
3. Get agreement.  Ask the person to say, out loud, that their intention is to do, or not do, what you're requesting.
4. Trust.  Believe, not control.  Accept, not reject. 
5. Verify.  Find out if what they said and what they did Match and if so, you can Trust a little more.  If not, you can Trust a little less (or a lot less).

Trust is very much in our Control so, like most of our Feelings, you can Choose to turn your Trust meter up, or down.

Remember also that Trust is not a black-and-white, on-or-off, yay-or-nay thing.  It's on a Range, a continuum, where you can Trust someone a LOT on one subject, and not much at all on another subject.

How's your Trust meter reading these days?  High or low?

Feelings vs Commitment

Day 67 of 100:  If we're supposed to be "in touch" with our feelings, how do we get ourselves to do stuff we don't FEEL like doing?

Doc says "We never do anything we don't want to do."

Sounds crazy, right?  Well, as you know, we ALWAYS have Choices.  If we didn't want to go to work, we wouldn't.  We would stay home (and eventually starve).  So we really Want to go to work, and get that paycheck, and eat.

So how do we handle our Feelings when faced with something it seems like we Don't want to do?

The reality is, that with advanced knowledge of Emotional Intelligence, we can either Change our feelings and actually CHOOSE to do what we gotta do anyway... or we Ignore our feelings for awhile... CHOOSing to get our stuff done, even when we don't want to (some call that "maturity").  Either way, we are AT CHOICE... and Choice is a good thing, and helps us feel that we are In Control of our lives.

So, the next time you're faced with having to do something, and you don't want to... try CHOOSING it, rather than Resenting it, and feel Powerful, rather than Powerless, and your Feelings will probably change, as well.

Good luck.<\p>

note:  pretty silly, ey?  I think it's the most powerful knowledge to know about your innerds and your Feelings.  Let me know how things are going.  Drop me a note and give me your opinion / feedback on these emails and how you are progressing with them (or not).  email

Release of Feelings

Day 66 of 100:  How do we feel better??

Have you ever felt the exhileration and incredible Release that you feel after a strong, powerful, energy-releasing SCREAM??

How about the peace and calm you feel after a good, long, deep heart-wrenching CRY?

Not a complaining, whiney, powerless bitch-session... I'm talking about REALLY dealing with your true feelings, as Deeply as they are felt.

Sound hard?  I find that once I get started, it's pretty easy now to let my body feel all that it needs to release.  If I let any Sound come out of my mouth that wants to, and carry it out until there's no sound left to expel, I feel Tons better afterwards!

Try it.  It's awesome.  And there is NO other way that I've ever heard of to truly release your feelings than to just plain ole FEELing them.

Go get 'em.

Feelings are the Real Deal

Day 65 of 100: WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR FEELINGS!!!

There ain't no 2 ways about it.

WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR FEELINGS!!

Feelings are with us 24x7, 365, since we were old enuf to be aware of ourselves until the day we die! They've been unconsciously forming, and molding, and growing since then -- and getting stopped up, and unexpressed, and pent up, and ignored, and denied, too.

I am a life coach who specialized is Feelings and Emotions.

I help people make their lives LOOK, and more importantly FEEL, GREAT!

I am the guy to call when your sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I can help you feel More, and I can help you feel Better.

People come to me when they're down and they're hurting, or they're good, but they want to feel Better.

• I help them through the Feelings.
• I teach them about their Feelings, how they started, how to manage 'em, what to Do with 'em, on a daily basis.
• I give them some basic concepts, attitudes, beliefs and direction to help it all make sense -- to eliminate the Mystery of it all.

and you know what?  it works.

• my customers do Feel Better.
• my customers Allow their Feelings more.
• my customers Understand themselves and their lives, more.
• my customers learn to make themselves do things they don't want to do.
• my customers can CREATE SUCCESS in their lives, their families and their relationships.
• my customers can ENJOY their lives to the fullest extent possible along the way!!

Are you ready to FEEL BETTER?  Call or write to me right now!
- Matt
  916-599-8597  matt@2gethelp.com

Replace Negative Feelings

Day 64 of 100:  A breathing exercise to replace negative feelings with positive ones.

What if you could breathe out your negative feelings, and breathe in positive ones?

Be still, in a quiet place.

• Acknowledge the feeling you have (hate, anger, bitterness, sadness, fear, etc). Know it. Accept that it is in you right now. Then decide what feeling you want to replace it with (love, faith, hope, joy).
• Visualize while taking deep slow breaths. In this example, the negative feeling is HATE but it could be something else.
• The positive feeling is love (but it could be something else.  See the anger or negative feeling as like a black blob or black rock in your lungs...). See the positive feeling as white
• Breathe in Love - The air outside your body is love (hope, joy, faith, whatever you need) - take a deep breath and see the white air in your mind’s eye, coming in, dislodging and lifting up the black lump of hate in the bottom of your lungs... making it rise to the surface
• Breathe out Anger - as you breathe out, the black lump floats around, a part of it, or several parts break off and escape with the air you breathe out
• Breathe in Love - see white air coming in, again causing the black lump to rise, break down.
• Breathe out anger - As you breathe, a part of the black lump breaks off and escapes with the air you breathe out
• Repeat for 10 or 15 minutes until you breathe away most of the black lump, replacing it with love or joy or HOPE. Hope is good!

You will feel better.  promise.
- anonymous

Happiness

Day 63 of 100:  How do we "get happy"?

Happiness is within you.
Happiness is Joy.
Happiness is doing pretty much what you want to do, with the people you choose to do it with.
Happiness is the absense of negative emotions, beliefs and Shoulds.

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

- Unknown

"You can be satisfied with what you have... and still want more!"

- mcp

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."

- Helen Keller

"If you desire to be really happy, you must make God your final and ultimate goal."

- Thomas A Kempis

"Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's warmth."  :c )

- Unknown

"Strive to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To be too wise for worry, too tolerant for hate, and too courageous to be fearful. In short, to be happy."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."

- Agnes Rippler

"There is no duty we so much underrated as the duty of being happy. By being happy, we sow enormous benefits upon the world."