Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Winning the BIG Game of Life

Day 42 of 100:   It's Ok NOT to Fail, too!

It's ok to Fail, in small increments, but it is NOT Ok to Fail the BIG Game of Life.

• It's not Ok to hurt people you love, under the guise of Being Honest.
• It's not Ok to blast the wrong person.
• It's not Ok to use people, without agreement.
• It's not Ok to throw your feelings around, unconscious and uncaring about where they might land.
• It's not Ok to judge others... well, I take that back. It IS Ok to judge Behaviours -- of yourself or others! just try to give the person behind the stupid behaviours a break for being clueless and ignorant (and that includes yourself). We still have to function in Reality... there are many, many stupid, clueless, arrogant, know-it-all schmoes out there who choose NOT to see how their actions impact other people. As loving codependents, we forgive, a lot, maybe too much, in the name of Love and continuity. but we do trudge on.
• It's not Ok to be an ass, even if you're married. (especially if you're married!)
• It's not Ok to be a bitch, even if you're married.
• It's not Ok to make you being Right, over us being Close. Closeness is the key... go for Closeness, and the rest will all fall into line.
• It's not Ok to end our lives GRUMPIER than we are now.
• It's not Ok to live our lives alone, without any real Love.
• It's not Ok to live our lives for the wrong reasons.
• It's not Ok to do things that are not Ok -- with you. Now THAT's Personal Power, and THAT's taking control… if you will NOT ALLOW yourself to do things that are Wrong to you, you will ALWAYS FEEL FREE, and Righteous, and Whole.

It's not Ok to die, totally alone, having made no difference to anyone else.

Relationships and Friendships

Day 41 of 100:  How to create lasting relationships

One of the most common situations that perplexes mankind:

How to create friendships, keep them and not hurt one another.

It's not easy; in fact, MOST people don't know how to do this. MOST friendships end on a sour note. Why? Because we do not understand:

• how our emotions work,
• how we create our feelings,
• what they ARE (feelings have names, like guilty, afraid, disappointed, ashamed, disconnected, powerless and worthless),
• and how to express them without hurting the other person.

These are skills that most of us have never been taught. Rather, when we feel afraid, for example, we threaten or command the other person to try to get them the way WE want them to be. Or, we try to make them feel guilty by blaming them. There are many other examples, but what I'm trying to emphasize here is that these are all destructive ways to communicate; that's why there are so many hurt feelings in the world - we don't know how to communicate.

HOWEVER, there is Hope!

We are designing websites, groups and programs to help people understand these profound "techniques", to support them as they practice and gain wisdom and skills in using these tools, and to be a support to those who also want to learn. All is not lost. Eventually, you will be able to hear the positiveness that is beneath the harsh words of even those who care about us the most.

It's OK to Fail!

Day 40 of 100:  Ok, so what's next?

I fail. A LOT.
I experiment a LOT… therefore I Fail, a LOT.

but that's Ok with me.
I always have some people in my life who are mad at me.
I always have some people in my life who don't like me very much.
there are things I can control, and things I cannot control.

I constantly push the envelop and try to do as much as I possibly can within any 24-hour period, pushing the limits of my body and my mind.

and in so doing, I fail.
a lot.

but what's the coolest thing about Experimenting? IT'S OK IF YOU FAIL!!

in fact, we often learn more from our Failures, then from our Successes.

Life is an Experiment. It's ok to fail.

How? Why? How much? Just do it. Why not? What the f___? How do I get mine, and my family's, and my friends?

The 5 Love Languages

Day 39 of 100:  Ways to Feel Loved

In order to be Personally Responsible for ourselves and our relationships, it is our job to TEACH people how to be with us.  That is why, the more success we will have in our relationships.  The better we know ourselves, the better we can show others in our lives what we like, what we dislike, and how to "be" with us.

One of the most crutial parts of this equation is: "What makes you feel loved?".  What is it, that our mates or friends or family can do, for us, that will make us feel the most loved?

For me, it's about Words.  I love to HEAR that I am loved, that I am appreciated ("Thank you's" are awesome!), and that I am wanted.  Next is TOUCH.  A warm, compassionate, loving touch (not sexual, but loving and caring) feels sooo good to me. 

Gary Chapmen wrote a wonderful book on "The 5 Love Languages". 

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

read more about it here.
buy it here.

What works for you?  What's your best Language?  What's second best?

Make sure you know your Love languages, and ask your mates about theirs.  It REALLY helps to know, share and give.

How do you want your life to Feel?

Day 38 of 100:  Making it happen.

Make your life Look, and more importantly FEEL, as great as you want it to!

Complements that long-time NDers hear:
--------------------------------------

• "What a good listener you are."
• "You make a great employee... you're one of the few people around here who actually gives a damn!"
• "I always know where you're coming from... I like that. No games, no guessing, no hidden agendas. You say how you feel, good or bad. That makes it so easy to be around you, and helps me Trust you more."
• "You're so easy to talk to."
• "Wow, I've never felt this loved in my life!"
• "Thank you so much. You're my hero."
• "dude, you're nuts. how do get all that stuff done?!"

You have the power.

Using "I" Messages

Day 37 of 100:  Use "I" Messages to avoid Fights

The one thing that is NOT debatable in a fight is when you speak about YOUR OWN Feelings, only.  If you say, "I feel angry when I'm not listened to", there's no debate.  It is a fact, it is YOUR fact, and it is not something anyone else can argue with you about.  Try it without using the word "you" in it at all.  As soon as the speaker says "you" the listener hears blame and the wall goes up even if neither are aware of it.

So, start your sentences with "I feel...", or "I want...", or "I believe...".  examples:

• I feel hurt when...
• I want a happy relationship...
• I have a belief that I am unsafe...

Here's the format:
I feel _________

When ____________

Because __________

What I want is __________

Bad example:

I feel angry

When you don't listen to me

Because you need to hear what I have to say is important

What I want is for you to listen to me

Good example:

I feel angry

When I'm not listened to

Because what I have to say is important

What I want is to be heard

Bad example:

I feel hurt

When you lie to me

Because you shouldn't be lying to anyone

What I want is for you to tell the truth

Good example:

I feel hurt

When I'm lied to

Because family members should be to trust each other

What I want is the truth

Warning:  "I feel like...", or "I feel that..." are likely not 'real' Feeling sentences, but disguised Thoughts or Judgments.

(assisted by Valerie Gemanis)

Freedom v. Power

Day 36 of 100:  Personal Power = Freedom

imho, one of THE most healing things you can do for yourself, AND the #1 best thing you can do for your Present & your Future, is to get in touch with your own Personal Power.

"Freedom is actually a bigger game than power. Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash."
- Harriet Rubin

I just read that quote today and I believe it is true, for Business Power... Power = what you can Control OUTSIDE of you.  But Personal Power is about what you can control, and unleash, INSIDE of you. I'm talking about changing the INside, so that you can do what you can to change/fix/improve the Outside.

"I Have Personal Power!" is one of the strongest statements a person can make.

Good news: The more you find, the more there is. The more we delve into ourselves, our spirit, our psyche, our emotions, our unconscious Beliefs... we find MORE, not less. We find MORE Joy, MORE Love, MORE Peace, MORE Power!  Yes, it's intermixed with the pain, anger and sorrow, for now, but those can be released and relieved to make even MORE room for MORE Love.

Get on it.
- Matt

Relationship Success

Day 35 of 100:  Successful Relationships

Doc writes about what it takes to make your relationships work.  Read the entire article (posted at our online support group, 2GetHelp).

The 4 Requirements for a Successful Relationship

1. A willingness on the part of both people to share and to accept each other's feelings.
2. Both people use a problem solving method in which neither one loses.
3. Have values which are somewhat similar.
4. The willingness to work at the relationship; to work at sharing and accepting, to work at problem solving without losers, and to work on our values.

Dr. Phil says "Relationships are all about Attitude."

Do you have a positive cooperative Attitude when it comes to your personal relationships?

Emotional Needs

Day 34 of 100:  Our Emotional Needs

Here's basically how Human Motivation works.  We try to satisfy our "needs". First physiological, then emotional.  As one level of need gets met, we can move up to the next level. 

Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs
1. Food and water
2. Shelter and warmth
3. Safety & Security <-- we can help here, in case of emergency
4. Belonging <-- we are focused here!
5. Self-actualization <-- we are working toward here

What level are you currently operating at?

Resources:

• Original wording, as written by Abraham Maslow in "Motivation and Personality" in 1943.
• Good writeups of the Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs, with additional resources
• http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM
• http://chiron.valdosta.edu/whuitt/col/regsys/maslow.html

Personal Power!!

Day 33 of 100:" I Have Personal Power"

I believe that this is one of the MOST amazing skills we do at ND... is helping people use their PP!  Better, bolder, stronger, more often, more loving, and more clearly with more wisdom and respect for others.  You will find that long time NDers LIKE themselves, are fairly Proud of themselves (for a variety of reasons), and they are able to Make Things Happen in their work and in their lives.  And people generally LIKE US.  We are strong enuf to love and protect ourselves, while respecting and honoring others, as well.  Those are all traits of having your PP.

The ND Power Prayer

God, grant me the Strength to

Keep doing the stuff that's working for me

to Stop doing what's not working

and the Awareness to know the difference.

amen.