Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Love is the Answer

Day 14 of 100: Love really IS the answer.

So, what's the question?

The question is, Do you choose Fear, or Love?

If you choose Love, that means you'll need to learn more, and push yourself, and open up, and get started healing some of your past. It's a commitment to yourself... maybe one of the BIGgest commitments you can ever make!

If you choose Fear, good luck to you.

If you choose Not to choose, that is still making a choice.
You are choosing to be ignorant, and to consciously Not Know.

Do you know your Feelings and Emotions very well?
Do you fully understand and appreciate that side of you?
Are you Afraid of your Fear?   How about your Anger?
Do you feel overwhelmed or depressed or really bored?

change it... conquer it... manage it.. learn from it... use it as a tool, and a weapon, if necessary.

There's hope. You can do it.
- Choose Love.
- it's tuff sometimes, but it's really the only way to go.

Let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes that really brings it home...

"Love is the ONLY sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."

- Erich Fromm

and...

"Be curious always! For knowledge will not acquire you: you must acquire it."

- Sudie Back

Quote on Success

"If you have an OPEN HEART, you can articulate life.  If you have a CLOSED HEART, you can only get good at one thing, like a PhD, and that's all you do. You suck at everything else.

I think that if you stay open and have a flexible mind, you can learn from Buddist monks, or whatever. Especially if you're trying to Complement… key word, Complement."

- Carlos Santana, interviewed on the "Supernatural" DVD

The Purpose of Anger

Day 13 of 100: What's GOOD about Anger?

Anger has gotten a bad rap.  It's probably the #1 mis-understood feeling of all (imho)... so what's it for?

Anger is for telling us WHO we you are and WHAT is important to us.

If we don't know, appreciate and learn to LIKE our anger, we are denying a HUGE piece of who we are and what we're about.

How can you have Self-Esteem without Anger?
How can you stand out from the rest?
How can you NOT get sucked along by the crowds?
How can you Achieve?
How can you Push Yourself?
How can you make yourself do things you don't want to do?

If we’re motivated, in some way, in any way, there's some Anger there.

Anger is a Wonderful TOOL that was give to us to help us.

• it fires us up.
• it keeps us warm.
• it keeps us doing what we don't want to do.
• it protects us.
• it directs us.
• it pushes the bad away,
• and fights for the good.
• it knows that we matter.
• and is the force that keeps that fact secure.

Anger is our way of letting the world know that We Exist.

I'm not saying we're only motivated by Anger… there are certainly other feelings we strive for. And I'm not talking about out-of-control Rage, either.  I'm talking about good, clean, honest, life-changing, motivating, caring Anger.  It can be such a powerful Tool and Asset for us, that we really need to explore, understand and direct our anger for our good and the greater good of all.

the Purpose of Feelings

Day 12 of 100: What is the Purpose of having Feelings?

Everything we do is for a Purpose, to help us in some way... or we wouldn't keep doing it.  What is the PURPOSE of our Feelings?

• Fear is for a warning.
• Sad is for letting go.
• Depression is for overwhelm.
• Love is for life.
• Peace is for sanity.
• Joy is for motivation.
• and Anger is for telling us who we are and what is important to us.

God gave us these feelings for good reasons.  Please use them wisely.

(more on this subject to follow...)

Parenting

5 P's of Parenting

Be Patient.
The frustration will pass but this will be your child for the rest of your life.

Be the Parent.
Your child will find and develop friends. But he or she desperately needs a parent.

Be Practical.
Your expectations and demands should challenge but not exceed your child's ability.

Be Positive.
Your child will strive to fulfill your words, good or bad.

Be Protective.
Your child needs a safe haven in troubled world; let it be you.
http://www.keystosaferschools.com/E-News/jan06.htm#8

Love is letting go of Fear

Day 11 of 100: Love is a Decision.

Yesterday we talked about Love or Fear, Take your Pick.  Well, it turns out that there are whole schools of personal growth who believe that there are ONLY 2 emotions:  Love and Fear.

One of the books that helped change my life was Gerald Jampolsky's "LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR".  This book described in a simple, 12-step process, how to "Let Go" of both long-term and current Fears, in an effort to expand our ability to Love.  He has some other powerful books, too, so click the link at Amazon and read on...

If Depression is based on Anger, and Anger is based on Fear, that means most negative feelings are Fear-based (except Sadness, which I'm not sure about -- ideas?).

So, what if there really were only 2 feelings?  What if ALL negativism is based on Fear?

Seems to me, we had better get a HANDLE on our Fears, wouldn't you say??
- Matt

COOL NOTE I JUST READ: "Young children possess what Zen calls ‘beginner’s mind.’ They are awed and fascinated with the wonder of the world, open to discovering and experiencing new things. Anything is possible. Life is a great adventure."

How's your ability to "let your little child out to play"?

btw, I hope you're enjoying reading these Tips, as much as I'm enjoying writing them!  If you'd like to have a friend get the 100 Emotional Tips in 100 Days, just have them send a blank email to:  2GetHelp.com-146532@autocontactor.com
(they'll get them all, from day 1).

Love or Fear, Take your Pick

Day 10 of 100: Love or Fear

There are 2 basic ways to live your life...

FEAR-Based:
- Afraid of what MIGHT happen, and what other people think of you.

or

LOVE-Based- Full of life, with people around you, and oodles of love for yourself and others.

You are TOTALLY in control of which way you choose to live.

Are you gonna live your life based on Fear,
or
Are you gonna live your life based on Love.

decide.

Where is your Focus?

Day 9 of 100: Timing is everything, right?

well, check this one…

Guilt is about the Past.
Shame is about the Present.
Fear is about the Future.

* We might feel Guilty about something we DID, or DIDn't do, in the past.
* We might feel Shame about who we are, in the moment.
* And we experience Fear of things that MIGHT happen, in the future. interesting, ey?

personally, I've been very present-oriented, so being Shame-based has effected me the most. I'm an Aries and impulsive and into instant gratification, so the fact that I feel a level of Shame every moment of every day (less now) is life-trashing for me. I don't have tons of Guilt from my past (well, some actually, but the Shame's much bigger) and I don't have too many Fears about the future (usually). I'm learning to show up as who I am, everyday, in every way, and trying to feel Proud of myself along the way.

Helps with perspective. Where are you focused?

I've been present-based (Shameful), while others are more past-based (Guilty) or future-based (Afraid).

Which are you?

if you feel like it, write to me and let me know if this makes sense, or resonates with you at all (or if any of this stuff does). I just thought of this concept in the middle of the night here, so I haven't had a chance to ask anyone or test this new theory. let me know. thanks. mailto:Matt@2GetHelp.com

Shoulds - Becoming Aware

Day 8 of 100:  Shoulds ...continued...

Yesterday we discussed that, even though we have been teaching for years that Shoulds are a Bad thing, I'm finding that some of my Shoulds are helping me, very much, and are therefore a Good thing!

Here's how to become aware of them...

pick a Should that goes on in your head:

like "Play Nice" (actually, I lived my life on that one for years, and still do sometimes. Some are harder to heal than others)

1. Whose Voice is it?
is it your voice? 
or, if it's someone else's, whose voice is it? (listen quietly and you'll be able to tell)

2. What are they saying to you? / screaming at you / guilting or shaming you for?Listen
Write 'em down (if you dare).
Note whose voice it is.

3. Do you Agree with what they are saying?

VERY IMPORTANT!
If you don't agree, and they're voice is real loud and grates your spine to hear it, especially certain specific words, but then you look at your life and find that you actually try hard TO DO that Should, even though you don't Agree with it, then there's emotional work to be done on your part.

(hint: just because the Should is in your voice does NOT mean that you Agree with it. it only means you're trying to "parent yourself" the same way that you were Parented. pretty easy to change, actually. mainly takes awareness, desire, feedback and time.)

If you do Agree, then it becomes one of Your Shoulds -- Congrats! Make a list. Use them wisely.

Doc says that when I'm actually DOing the action, I no longer need to Should on myself. but on the Shoulds I agree with, I think I DO need to Should on myself UNTIL I do the action.

yeah, that's it.. it's a motivational tool that I use to get me to do stuff I don't really want to do, or feel uncomfortable or afraid to do.

Ok, here's a new policy.

It's Ok to Should on Yourself.

BUT...

* A) It's gotta be YOUR Should. It can be the same words as your parent's Should, but you must at least AGREE with it. If you agree, that makes it Yours.

* B) It's gotta be Conscious. If you're running your life on other people's expectations and Shoulds for you, OPEN YOUR EYES. We cannot afford to be unconscious any longer, so please see where you're Driven from and where your heart is leading you. (warning: strong Shoulds are probably surrounded by strong Feelings, so stuff WILL come up for you during this process. let it happen, know you'll get through it and enjoy that you're alive.).

* C) It's gotta be for a Good Should. Your health and well-being first, your friends and family next, and the rest of humanity, after that.

whatchathink?

are Shoulds good guys or Bad guys?

- Matt

Shoulds - are they Good or Bad?

Day 7 of 100: Shoulds

(here's something I just thought of, this morning about Shoulds...)

We teach that Shoulds are bad, right?

We say: "Down with Shoulds!"
"Have you Should on yourself today?"
"The 13th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Should On Thyself"

Shoulds are other people's way of controlling you, of cramming their opinions and issues down our throats, controlling our lives, without our knowledge, forever more. right?

well, much of that is true. Unconsciously living on our Parents' or other authority's Shoulds can trash our lives as much as anything else!
so, so many of our Shoulds are just inherited Shoulds.
we didn't make them up, we just heard them, maybe over and over again, and sometimes at Very HIGH VOLUME!!!
(certainly very high emotional volume)

but that doesn't make them Ours.

you see, I see now that I Should on myself all the time. most days, in fact.
but I don't feel bad about it,
and I don't think they're trashing my life. I think they're helping me.

The difference, I just realized, is that they are...

MY SHOULDS

I should get my work done. I should be nice. I should reply to nice folks who write to me. I should not eat so many carbs and sugar. I should floss. etc.

They're Sound Bites in my head.

but now I'm wondering if these sounds bites are MINE, I agree with them, I use them to direct me and I run part of my life with them, maybe they're Ok, after all.

. more tomorrow on how to become more Aware of your Shoulds ...