Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

"Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart"

From a great book of essays written by a psychiatrist Gordon Livingston, Vietnam vet, parent twice bereaved, lost his oldest son to suicide and his youngest to leukemia. The book is entitled "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart."

He has written about 30 bedrock truths:

1. If the map doesn't agree with the ground, the map is wrong.

2. We are what we do.

3. it is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place.

4. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas.

5. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.

6. Feelings follow behavior.

7. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.

8. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

9. Life's two most important questions are "Why?" and "Why not?" The trick is knowing which one to ask.

10. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses.

11. The most secure prisons are those we construct for ourselves.

12. The problems of the elderly are frequently serious but seldom interesting.

13. Happiness is the ultimate risk.

14. True love is the apple of Eden.

15. Only bad things happen quickly.

16. Not all who wander are lost.

17. Unrequited love is painful but not romantic.

18. There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results.

19. We flee from truth in vain.

20. It's a poor idea to lie to oneself.

21. We are all prone to the myth of the perfect stranger.

22. Love is never lost, not even in death.

23. Nobody likes to be told what to do.

24. The major advantage of illness is that is provides relief from responsibility.

25. We are afraid of the wrong things.

26. Parents have a limited ability to shape children's behavior, except for the worse.

27. The only real paradises are those we have lost.

28. Of all the forms of courage, the ability to laugh is the most profoundly therapeutic.

29. Mental health requires freedom of choice.

30. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing.

Understand Myself

"When a man begins to understand himself he begins to live.
When he begins to live he begins to understand his fellow
men."

*Norvin McGranahan

EQ Mapping Tool

"Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of energy, information, creativity, trust and connection."

— Esther M. Orioli and Robert K. Cooper, Q-Metrics

EQ Map® is an Assessment tool that "helps you discover the many facets that make up your personal emotional intelligence and its relationship to your performance, creativity and success."

EQ Map  $29.95  Awareness is the first key to change, so this might give you some insights you couldn't get elsewhere.

Read more about it ...

Reacting Emotionally

"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."

-- Norman Vincent Peale

Emotional Shopping

Here's a good article on the connection between Shopping and our emotions.

"Some people shop because they're unhappy … or giddy, or anywhere in between. But retail therapy can leave your budget in sad shape."

Interesting experiment:
"Lerner and her co-researchers showed subjects three emotion-inducing movie clips -- one revolting, one depressing, one neutral -- and then asked people to estimate how much they'd be willing to spend on a certain product. The people who had seen the sad movie clip were willing to spend the most."

To sum it up, here's what's suggested to Fight the urge:
Notice the feelings. (!)
Sort out the fantasies.
Beware of small purchases.
Treat yourself.
Avoid retail situations.
Create unique solutions.
Let your priorities be your guide.

Read on...

Comfort and Luxury?

"We act as though comfort and luxury
were the chief requirements of life,
when all we need to make us happy is
something to be enthusiastic about."

- Charles Kingsley

"... and to be in touch with our feelings enough to Allow ourselves to be enthusiastic and happy."

- mcp

Emotional Tools

You have 3 main Tools at your disposal.

Your Body.
Your Mind.
Your Heart.

I can't teach you much about your body. I'm not that great at taking care of mine, tho mine does work pretty well for me.

I can help with your Mind. The wonderful thing is that "WE CHOOSE TO THINK" so we can choose what we think and when. I can help you with attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, behaviours and intentions.

But where I can help you most is around your Heart! I can show you things inside your heart - your Feelings, your Passions, your Dreams and your Aliveness - that will TOTALLY change your life for the better. There is soooo much in there that you don't know anything about.  There are subconscious things happening inside you that you cannot and will not control until you become aware of them, understand them and appreciate their power  You will experience a side of yourself -- the Inside, that will amaze and astound you.

"The last great adventure, the journey inside ourselves."

by the way, which of these 3 do you think runs your life?
Your Body.
Your Mind.
Your Heart. <---- - - - - that's right!

do yourself a favor. learn about your Feelings & Emotions.
- matt

Ask Questions

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

-- Decouvertes

"To be in a healthy relationship, you have to be willing to ask the tough questions."

-- Dr. Phil

"Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them."

-- Ralph Gerard

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"

-- George Bernard Shaw

"The answer is in the question."
- June, in the movie "Benny and June"
- when asked, "What about Mrs. Schmalz?"

"The man who has no imagination has no wings."

-- Muhammad Ali

Feelings are Life!

since I took my keyboard apart the other day and cleaned it, the . key hasn't been working properly and this has been interesting for me
to get it to work, I have to SLAM the . KEY harder….. whap, whap, whap.
it builds tension.
irritation.
tick (doesn't work) so Wham. (that works, but it's irritating and requires more energy and constant problems).

pushes me to do an undercurrent of anger
if I remember, however, and think of it Before I hit the . key, I hit it harder.
in fact, I'm finding that I hit the keys harder in general
and my keyboard likes that.

and maybe it's what I need.

like a push to build some Attitude, and that Edge I need to be BIG.
that is what I want.
no fooling about it.
I want to talk to a LOT of people.
I am NOT Ok with talking to a few people.
I have a message that will not be denied.

I will not give up.

I am not developing it to fill a Demand.
The Need exists, they just don't Know that it Exists.

I can't find a Hive.
Help me find a Hive.

I will NOT be an Ambulance chaser.
oh, I think that's really holding me back.

I don't want the sick and mentally ill.
I want to work with people who are hurtin', but functional.
I want to talk to the walking wounded.
I want people who have jobs, but they're hurtin'.
and they know it.
and they want to Reach out.

there's a whole Reaching out thing.

they don't know:
a. who to reach out to
b. how to reach out (except for maybe therapy and medication)
c. That Reaching out is even an option.
d. in some cases, even that the concept of Reaching out even exists

it's not that the Demand for the solution isn't there,
they don't know that there's a Solution to what's bothering them.
some know that something's bothering them, but they are clueless that there even IS a solution

they are not Looking for help with their problem
because they don't know that Help Exists.
  and some don't even know the Problem exists.

many don't know that they are angry or hurt, or that they could choose to Not feel angry or hurt.

many are shut down and depressed.
but they don't Feel shut down, because they don't Feel… period.
they often find that they were shut down AFTER they experience what's it's like to NOT be shut down for a moment.

• I believe that people have NO IDEA how much cooler and more Amazing their lives could be if they had their Feelings Toolbox ALIVE and WELL!!
• I believe that people DON'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THEMSELVES that they are as unhappy as they are.
• I believe that people have no idea how VERY ANGRY they Really are.
• some people know they're angry.  but they don't know that there's Relief available.

they don't know that TAKING CONTROL of their Feelings really IS the key to Happiness.

Happiness IS a Feeling.

How could you feel Happy if you don't Feel?!?

Feelings are the key.
Feelings are the Joy.
Feelings are LIFE!

You can't cut off one feeling at a time. They ALL Go.
it's a package deal.
you cannot feel your Joy and your Love and your TOTAL ALIVENESS if you are not willing (or know how) to feel your Anger and your Sadness and your Fear.

of course Fear is scary.
by definition. the answer is in the question.
there are plenty of things that WE ARE ALL AFRAID of, not having enough, not being enough, people leaving us, being alone, being attacked, ourselves.

no wait. We DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID of ourselves.
we can LEARN ABOUT ourselves.
and Enjoy ourselves.
and our Fears.
and our Angers.
and our Sadness
and our Guilt.

of course you're Afraid of your Anger. we all are.
Society doesn't know how to handle good clean Anger, so they squash it.
and our parents taught us over and over that Anger is NOT OK, in any form.

THAT's the Difference between ND folks and non-ND folks.
We ENJOY and ENCOURAGE our feelings, they Avoid them like the plague!

THAT's the difference.

Having our Feelings be Ok works in so many ways...
we not only don't avoid our feelings, that's about ALL WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT!
why? 'cause that's all that really Matters, that's why!

prologue..

we need to talk to people who:
have a problem and know it and believe there is something they can do about it and are actively doing something about it and are actively seeking personal growth help

don't have a problem -- totally "in touch" with your feelings?  great  you're in the minority.
don't know you have a problem -- not sure it's my job to enlighten you, but maybe
don't believe there's hope -- yikes. there is. there really is.
aren't doing something about it -- well, that's another part of the problem (shame, low self-esteem, abandonment, ignorance, lack)
aren't seeking personal growth help -- HELLO! We are the cheapest, fastest, most effective, life-changing, love-creating, self-esteem building form of mental health known to man!!

NDers vs. non-NDers

Ha. it finally came to me. just now.
I've been watching us long term NDers who are usually waaaaay Happier, often more successful and certainly more ALIVE and FEELING than our counterparts and I keep wondering,

What's the Difference between NDers and non-NDers?
What is it the one thing that ND teaches that is so Effective and so Important?
what is it that sets us apart?
what is it that works so well and has changed mine and so many other people's lives over the last 18 years?

I mean, we're certainly not perfect.
we still hurt.
we still mess up. we still make mistakes. we still have unresolved Issues.
we still hurt and we still get hurt. we still fail and we succeed. we still cry and we get angry.

and just this morning at 04:33 on 11.1.05, I realized what it is.

it's kinda subtle and kind slippery, but here goes…

the difference in long-time NDers is that while most people try to Avoid their Feelings in various ways,

NDers ENJOY AND APPRECIATE THEIR FEELINGS!

We know that Feelings are a GOOD thing, not a bad thing.
We know that our Feelings DEFINE us -- who we are, what we want, what we don't want.
We know that if we Accept our Feelings, we are Accepting Ourselves -- and Oh, self acceptance makes more difference in our daily life experience than anything on the planet ! ! !

We embrace our feelings, and thus we can understand and accept the feelings of others.
we are good listeners.
we are easy to get along with.
we make good employees and managers, leaders and followers
we can be and usually are straight-forward, up-front, and eye-to-eye Honest

… all just because we know what we Feel, who we are, and what our Intentions are.

Our Feelings are our Personality.
- Our Love.
- - Our Passion.
- - - Our Joy.
- - - - Our Feelings are our Lives.

what's more important than that?!?

Of course that's all what we want to talk about!
of course that's why we want our loved ones to come to class and learn what we've learned.
of course, that why we "go there". often. as deep as we can. to come back renewed and refreshed, sometimes NEVER HAVING TO GO THERE AGAIN.

we understand the Keys to Happiness.

we know that the simple act of Dealing directly with what's really, Really, REALLY PISSING US OFF, is the key to relieving our Anger and allowing more Peace.

we are wise to the fact that Talking about, experiencing and allowing our Fears is the fastest, simplest, most effective way to Lessen and Relieve our inner child's pain and our adult's vulnerabilities.

we understand the connection how our Personal Power, our Courage and our Self-Esteem are all directly based on our ability to Understand and Manage our feelings and emotions.

we know that we have Choices -- we always have choices -- sometimes lots more than many people believe we have -- in how we deal with situations and relationships.

...and we understand and appreciate the importance of People in our lives. people who are safe for us. people who love. people who can accept love and give love in a clean, honest, value-for-value relationship where everyone wins.

and we know how to Not Feel Alone, ever again. (once a graduate, always a friend http://Groups.msn.com/2GetHelp ).

yes, in this case there are subtle differences between "them" and "us". the "haves" vs. the "have nots". the "educated" vs. the "ignorant".

but these subtle, intangible differences can mean the difference between life and death, between divorce and marriage, between happiness and depression, between a life filled with joy and Love or a life torn by guilt and shame.

The tools are all free Please use them.
- Matt

after-thought: if you see a picture of an NDer and a non-NDer standing next to each other, they probably both look Ok and they're probably both smiling. but it's likely that the NDer will have just a bit more glint in their eye, a bit more Pride in their stance, a bit more openness and love in their eyes and a bit more Joy behind that smile.

that's why I keep buggin' you guys about coming back to class.
come Assist. it's still free. If you can't make it all weekend, we'll work with you. just come. please.
everyone wins when you show up. please join us.

New Directions Workshop
Nov. 11-13, 2005 Fresno, CA