Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Answer this question about Feeling

How "in touch" with your Feelings are you?

When was the last time you cried? today or yesterday in the last week or month in the past year can`t remember, it`s been so long Results

Quotes on Safety

“Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.…”

- Dinah Mulock

“Open your body and your mind to the subtler levels of experience, letting go of your attempt to control, to be right, not worrying about appearances, not trying to be safe.”

- Stephen Levine

"If you are in touch with your feelings, you can open your heart. If you can open your heart, you can feel real closeness and intimacy. If you can feel real intimacy, you can experience the sheer magic of "connecting" with another human being.... feeling safe... feeling as one."

- Paula Perelstein

Thoughts on Control / Being Controlled

notes to myself over the last ND weekend:

Shoulds are sources of Anger

Control:  Do it or change it

Positive Control - "You will..."
Negative Control - "You can't make me..."
Whenever you have to PROVE that they can't control you, you're not in control, they are!
Healthy Response - "Here's what I'm willing to do..."

The only things you "NEED" / "MUST HAVE" are:
air
water
food
as adults, we don't NEED a man / woman.  We just WANT one.

Albert Ellis called it "musterbation"

The question is not "Do I have Control issues or not?".  you do.
The question is 'WHAT are my Control issues?'

Control-issues are Fear-based.

praise for mcp

Love Notes from our ND class - in Fresno, CA 5/15/05

"YOU R AWESOME!"
- John

"Matt,
You are such a treasure.  I am soooo thrilled that you're in my life.
with love always."
- Sharon

"Matt,
You continue to help me grow. The gift of having you (and Paula and New Directions) in my life is more valued than I can convey. You're wonderful and I love you (so much that I'm trying to bring my whole wonderful dysfunctional family to meet you  ;-)
Take care of you Matt -- your ability to connect and direct and your joy in living is amazing."
- Justine

"Matt,
Great job for the weekend."
- Lilla

"You're Awesome!  Great!  Wisdom to you ;-)
and thank you once again (for the 10th time)
Love ya,
- John
p.s. - say Hi to Paula"

"Matt,
I do not know how you can take all that emotion from all those people and still be able find reasons to laugh!  Thank you for being a patient teacher and a well of positive thought for others."
- Michele E.

"yeehaaaa"
- matt

Resources on Forgiveness

Resources on Forgiveness

One of the 'purposes' to anger is to help you feel powerful and strong. It's your body's way of letting you know that things are not going the way you want them to. 

If you can be clear within yourself, and have clear, defined Boundaries for what's Ok and what's not Ok with you, you won't need to continue to 'manufacture' anger to feel powerful.

Spiritually
http://newtimes.org/issue/9702/forgiveness.html

In-person Workshops and events
http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/content/workshops.asp
http://www.NewDirectionsWorkshop.com

Dr. Pettitt's Forgiveness Process
http://www.iloveulove.com/forgiveness/pettittforgive.htm
Flow chart (too small to read, so print it)
http://www.ts.co.nz/~gpettitt/Step01.html

Feelings Revolution Calls

Hmmm... what to talk about on the next Feelings Revolution call...

So far, we've discussed:

• Turning Anger into Love
• Benefits of being "In Touch" with your Feelings
• Being Fully Expressed
• Self-Processing:  Getting to the Heart of the Matter
• ... and others.

(I just realized that when I am the most believable, is when I speak very sloooowwwly and exemplify each word.  I get excited and speak quickly, and that sometimes allienates people.  If they can't, or won't go there, they need to disconnect from me.

I want to connect.
I want to be able to Feel what I'm saying
to know that it's right and it's important.
for you.  not just anyone... for you.    hmmm)

I just came up with a possible lesson plan.  whatchathink?

• teach a lesson
• have each person say what they understood about the subject
• talk about goals and changing the behaviour / belief / issue
• then each shares a goal that they'll do different around that new skill.
• keep it all in a journal, that we/you can refer back to.

NEW SUBJECT
I've been interested in the BIG 5 Feelings lately.  In fact, I have an article due Friday morning about that.

they are:

HAPPY

SAD

ANGRY

AFRAID

DEPRESSED

Let's talk about these guys.  Let's define 'em and look at 'em, maybe even take a minute to Feel each one... to aid in indentification and awareness. (if you don't think that between the 5 of them, they don't have SIGNIFICANT control over your life, you're floatin' downstream on the river of Denial!).

call some Wednesday at 7pm pst/10pm est.  I think you'll like our discussion.  (I'll add some audio clips soon so you can get a feel for how the calls go - they're fun and educational).  641-297-5333  333#

c-ya.
- matt

Thoughts re: my birthday

Birthday '05
lots of sadness washing thru me today... not huge, just ready to be felt and released.

lots 'o little things coming up... nothing huge.  things are going really well now. healthy, good friends, lots 'o love around, don't have too many people pissed at me right now (I must not be pushing people's limits enuf!).

But there are so Many things, that even a little sad or afraid about each one can build up to a good cry. Cried 4x today so far (it's 11am).

Rachel remembered - first thing she said, and got a big hug, too.

Paula remembered - first thing she said, too. made breakfast but I hurt her feelings during (yapping about something else) so she's pulled away and not really talking to me now (often the case).

Rachel got a new puppy last month, Buddy. cute as heck. all soft, and beautiful grey with one black eye and black ears. white tipped tail and forehead. perfectly cute. Rachel can sure pick animals... she's 3-0. Spot E. Boy is the coolest dog I've ever met, and Carmel Kittie is the coolest cat ever. She didn't pick Missy, but Missy's sweet, and fun to watch, too. Spot and Carmel are really people-oriented, so for a loner-kinda guy, they're great.

it has to do with my lessons re: Love.

How do I turn my anger into Love re: Buddy ('cause didn't want another dog, esp. a puppy, and Rachel's never home, so guess who 'got him')

can I really TURN one into the other?
I believe I can.
If I change the beliefs, thoughts, attitudes that CREATE the Anger, and ALLOW the love to naturally expand, I AM changing it, consciously, intelligently, completely.

cool.

good day.

Understand your Feelings, Control your Life!

The key to Happiness is to learn about your FEELINGS

"If you know what you feel, you'll know who you are!"
- Doc Downing, PhD, LFMT

We teach a weekend intensive called New Directions. been teaching it now for over 18 years. 4 states, hundreds of classes, thousands of happy(er) graduates.

New Directions changes lives.

I can honestly say now that we can Drastically improve people's life experience.

We help people FEEL better, about themselves, their relationships, their experience and their lives.

Feelings and Emotions are the Key
We help people FEEL
We show them that it's OK TO FEEL.
We teach people HOW TO FEEL.
People find that they CAN FEEL.
We let them EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS (in safe ways)

By dealing with Feelings:

We show people that they have Personal Power and strength, far more than they had ever imagined. 

• We show people how to safely and sanely experience their Anger, to get to know it and get it under control. 
• We calm people's Fears, we hold people as they cry, for Sadness must be felt, accepted and released we hold a pillow as Rage and Violation and Abuse are experienced and expelled we attack our Depression with Anger, as our bodies can stand it no longer.
• We teach that Feelings are a natural, God-given gift for you to treasure and explore.

"When Feelings are expressed as intensely as they are felt, they can lessen and are free to change."
- Doc Downing, PhD, LMFT

We let people FEEL, whatever it is they most need to FEEL.
We love and accept, support and encourage, hug and hold, laugh and cry.
We cheer and we dance and we lift people up
We celebrate and encourage, nudge and support, challenge and reward.

The work is hard, but the rewards are many.

As natural as going to the bathroom, our bodies have Feelings that need to be released. In our childhood, we learn to suppress our feelings, judge them, "socialize them", squash them. As adults, our challenge is to HEAL the old pains and angers that are left inside us. We must dig down and find the 'stuff' inside us that eats away at us, and taints our current lives.

"To repress a feeling is to give it unlimited power."
- Doc Downing (again). Doc is our mentor, he's right on and he's taught us plenty!

"Dealing With" Feelings
1. Find the feelings inside you
2. Identify what you feel
3. Accept your feelings
4. Express feelings in productive ways
5. Let go of negative experiences
6. Fill back up with beliefs, values and feelings of your choice

Learn how to FIND the feelings that are left unexpressed inside you
Learn to IDENTIFY your feelings, separate them, acknowledge them ACCEPT that your feelings tell you who we really are.
Learn to EXPRESS big feelings in positive, acceptable, empowering, relationship-building ways.
See how it feels to LET GO of negative, yucky, stuck feelings.
FILL BACK UP with the positive, enthusiastic, powerful, Loving feelings of your choice!

When we "deal with our Feelings", the results are outstanding.

... and life-changing.

... and wonderful!

We love people enough to show that, yes in just one short weekend, they can feel what it feels like to be Totally Alive -- laughing, crying, yelling, empowering, holding... and still feel Ok.

After their weekend, people never quite go back to the place they were before class. They have seen, felt and experienced their feelings to such a degree, that they never again feel quite so limited.

"A mind stretched by a new idea, never retracts to it's original state."
- Oliver Wendall Holmes

... same goes with Feelings. Once you have delved into your deepest wells, you will always know they are there and how to access them. It's incredible, really.

Come to New Directions for a weekend. Let us show you that there is another way to experience life.

We have been doing these workshops for so long now, that teens have come, learned new concepts, left their parents, got married, became parents, and now they are sending THEIR kids to class! They know the concepts work and it's been proving it now for a long, long time.

... on our terms feeling what we WANT TO FEEL
choosing from our full box of Emotional Tools, at the right time, in the appropriate fashion, with the best energy.

Where else are you gonna learn this stuff -- in the school of hard knocks, right? Sadly, some people never learn it at all. Some people go thru their whole lives pissed off at their parents, or a victim of their fears and their anger, "trying" to be someone they're not. It's so easy to get stuck there, in unexpressed childhood grievances and despair, alone and powerless, hopeless and 'stuck'.

We don't have to stay down.

Not any more.

We can learn what we need to learn, express what we need to express, and say what we need to say and ... WHAM! We AUTOMATICALLY go back to feeling Lightness and Freedom and Love and Joy.

The concept of the class is that we are born with everything we need to be happy. Watch babies and little kids... they feel what they feel, as intensely as they feel it. They might cry and scream, but as soon as they are done, they are done. They don't hold onto past hurts and angers, they release them quickly and completely.

As we grow up, however, we are sociallized to NOT feel what we are feeling. We are shut down and contained and punished for expressing emotions. We learn to stuff, and deny, and cut off our feelings, as feelings are consciously or unconsciously labelled as "bad".

But we are not alone.

Not any more.

There are others willing and able to help.

There are no excuses any more not to rise above it all and live our lives happy and free, no matter what the world throws at us.

FORGIVENESS
New Directions graduates aren't perfect, only forgiven... by themselves.

(... and they are a damned site more fun to be around then their shut-down, out-of-touch, whining, victimized, blaming counterparts.)

We have more Fun!
We laugh more often.
We love more than most.
We are friendly and kind.
We are open and supportive.

Our emotional toolbox is full and we know we have lots of choices.
We can choose what we feel, and when, and at what intensity.

We are responsible for ourselves - our lives, our feelings, our behaviours, our attitudes and our beliefs.
We know we have choices and we are personally responsible for our actions.
We know ourselves, we accept ourselves and we like ourselves.

We choose to feel power.
We choose to accept.
We choose to empower.
We love our freedom to choose.

We are Alive!

Join us. Your life will FEEL BETTER, from now on... we guarentee it.

NewDirectionsWorkshop.com

If it's to be, it's up to me.

"If it's to be, it's up to me." - a lament of those stuck in control, unable to obtain cooperation.

however, it's also TRUE. It's called Personal Responsibility… and it really works!

The happiest people I know are those who feel they have the power to make a difference in EVERY area of their lives. Not unrealistic, unachievable control, but the power to make a difference, at least inside themselves.

There are a lot of things we do NOT have the power to control -- some taxes, some gov't, other peoples' behaviours -- but at the very least, we do have the power to control our Attitude about those things. Even if the things themselves are out of our control, we can choose to feel better about some things, or care less about some things that hurt, or even choose NOT to be afraid.

example1: There isn't a darned thing I can do to stop a terrorist, if they plan out an anonymous, lethal attack on me (like the 911 victims). I cannot do anything about it, and I REFUSE to live in daily fear of that totally random attack happening. They want to make it miserable for us… and I will not relent to that.

example2: A guy in town doesn't like me. We had a disagreement a year or so ago over $50. He did some work for us, climbing and trimming some huge redwoods. I said I thought it was $250, he said he thought it was more like $350. I said how about we settle at $300. He said Fine, whatever. He had agreed, but he was pissed… still is. I've tried to reconcile since then, but he wouldn't allow it… so what do I do? I used to let it eat me up, knowing that I had failed to please someone and therefore felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. But these thoughts and beliefs are clearly MY problem -- which is a wonderful thing -- 'cause that means it's also MY Choice.

I choose to NOT feel shame and guilt.
I choose to believe that his anger is his, to do with as he pleases, and means little or nothing about me personally.
I choose to know that many people do like me, and some even love me (!), so I don't have to feel the terribly painful feelings I felt growing up. I am free to think, and believe, and feel whatever I wish.

Nobody can tell me how I can and can't feel.
No one has control of that area of my life, but me.
It is my Personal Responsibility to make my life look, and more importantly, Feel the way I want it to.

"I love my boundaries, they set me free!"

Coach T and Coaching

I ran across an old testimonial pic of me, next to the immortal coach T.
http://www.coachville.com/tourhowtocoach.html

He single-handedly created a concept, a idea, a career, that has changed the lives of thousands already, and will effect millions, in fact the entire world, in years to come.

It's called Coaching.

There is no faster and more efficient means of personal improvement known to man. If you need to get from where you are, to where you want to go, try Coaching.

The military use it.
The political parties use it.
Most large corporations now use it.

it works.
profound, lasting, core changes.
for organizations

and for people

lots of people.
"normal" people who want more.
"well" people who want a break-through.
"whole" people who know that this is the best way to achieve.

If you want more out of your life, in any area, we've got coaches for you. Step in. (some's free, some's not). Browse, interact, learn, experience and feel Coaching.

Coaching is the way.