Emotional Intelligence 101: Taming the Beast Within!

Behavior Modification

Day 91 of 100:  How our Behaviours are Created.

Here's how our brain works.

There are 2 sides of the brain, the Left hemisphere and the Right hemisphere.  The Left side handles logic, thought and reason, known as the Cognitive side.  The Right side is for pictures, sound and feelings, known as the Affective side.

Our behaviours are determined by a combination of the Cognitive and Affective sides of our brains, our Thoughts and our Feelings.

Therefore, if you want to change your behaviours (addictions, codependence, communications, success, etc.) we gotta look at the Thoughts we have created (our Beliefs, Values and Ideals) and our Feelings (anger, sadness, joy, love, etc) which underlie all behaviors.

In other words, if you don't like who you are, and what you're doing... or your actions are just not working for you or for your relationships... you CAN change it!  You have total control!

To read more, get Doc's book "Taking Control of Your Life", which explains the Cognitive-Affective-Behavioural model of therapy.

Good luck with it all.
- Matt

Emotional Toolbox

Day 90 of 100: What is an Emotional Toolbox, and how do we use it?

When we notice that stuff is broken or tweaked or loose, we try to fix it (or find someone who can), right? Then, once it gets irritating enough, we decide we are gonna do something about it. Assuming we have the right tools, and know how to use them, we go to our Physical Toolbox for the right tool to put the irritant back in working condition, so we can forget about it again.

In our Physical Toolbox, the one at home, or in our trunk, we probably have the following tools to help us get the job done...

Physical Tools

• screwdriver
• hammer
• pliers
• wrenches
• sockets
• nails
• duct tape (of course! -- 1001 uses)
• ... etc. ...

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham H. Maslow

Now, let's say something goes badly within your friends or family. People aren't speaking to each other. There is tension, long faces and the only communication is glaring, nasty looks. What do you do?

Dig into your Emotional Toolbox, of course.

Emotional Tools

• Anger
• Fear
• Depression
• Sadness
• Personal Power
• Self-Esteem

The cool part is that our emotional toolbox is Always with us. No matter where we go,  who we are with, or what life throws at us… our emotional toolbox is there, ready to serve us at a moment's notice.

All the tools are completely FREE!
We can add to 'em (and subtract some) anytime we wish
We are in total Control of our emotional tools...they don't break, wear-out, rust or otherwise degrade over time... in fact, with practice, they get sharper, more powerful and we get better at handling them.

Being in control of our lives means we use what we know, to live the best way we can, and prepare for the future as best we can, so when the unexpected arises (and the expected, too), we have the right "tools" in our emotional toolbox to effectively manage whatever life throws at us.

How do I get these Emotional Tools?

• As a teenager, did you leave your original family with an emotional toolbox FULL of wonderful, joyous, effective emotional tools that you could use in your daily life to make your life experience Light and Free and Easy?
• Were you full of love and joy and confidence, able to handle your anger, disappointment, sadness and guilt quickly, completely and effectively?
• Could you identify which feelings you were feeling, be able to increase the good ones, decrease the bad ones and understand the difference?
• Could you get to the root of feelings to see where they originated? "Why am I so angry?" "Where do I do with this lingering depression?" "Gosh, I'm sad today."
• Were you able to tackle the adult world, with all your wits about you, standing up proud, deserving and Powerful?!?

yeah ... well ... me, either.

I had a few emotional tools, fer sure, but they weren't the ones I wanted to carry around with me.

My Old Emotional Tools

• Avoidance
• Denial
• Blame
• Resentment
• Holding Grudges
• Shut-down
• Escapism

Powerful tools, indeed. And all put there, and carried for years, for good reasons. But certainly NOT the tools I wanted to carry forward into my adult life. It's kinda like carrying a spare tire, a dish rag, and a skate key around in my trunk (Physical Toolbox) hoping I could fix my car with these. They were interesting tools that I chose, and effective in few severe situations, but certainly not useful on a daily basis.

In short, I was a mess, emotionally. 

Matt's Story
After years of living in a daily hell., I set out to find a place where I could learn about and collect my own emotional tools. My pain and my dissatisfaction brought me to a place that  I had no idea where to turn for help. I'd been to therapy most of my life (my parents didn't understand the emotional tools either, so they didn't know WHAT to do with a highly emotional child). I'd tried stuff I'm not real proud of to deaden the pain, but that only works temporarily. I'd gone into relationships clueless and 'broken', and created disasters.

Luckily, a very good friend named Sandra introduced me to a weekend workshop called "Understanding Yourself and Others" in Boulder, Colorado that started me on the path to enlightenment. I jumped at the opportunity!  There, I learned how to DUMP some of my backed up Rage, Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Guilt... the whole works... in a way that gave me Hope, Self-Esteem, Joy, Love and Pride. I was so taken with the concepts that I learned to teach that workshop, and even met my wife Paula (of 18 years now) in their instructor training program! Later, we branched off to do our own workshop, called New Directions, and have been teaching, learning and living it ever since!

I found a way to enrich my emotional tools, and practiced using them in safe places, and with safe people. I found/created a place where I would be accepted and encouraged and taught about the emotional tools that exist, how EASY THEY ARE ACQUIRE, and how much difference they can make in our lives!

They're free, they work, and they are yours… if you just reach-out and ask for them.

Learn as much as you possibly can about your feelings and emotions, and hone your skills with your emotional toolbox... you'll be very glad you did!

Shock and Confusion

Day 89 of 100:  Can we actually "choose" whether to we feel Shocked, or Confused?

The idea that "we can choose our feelings" isn't exactly accurate. All feelings come from perceptions, decisions, conclusions, expectations and beliefs that we have garnered throughout our lifetime.

So, it's not a matter of choosing whether to feel shocked or confused, but to understand what thoughts proceed these feelings; and then, once they are discovered, decide whether or not our beliefs are what we WANT to continue to believe.

We then can choose to change them so that we are no longer shocked or confused. If we decide NOT to give up the beliefs that create shock and confusion, we need to accept that we will continue to feel shocked and confused.  In my experience, as I observe others (and myself!), I see people choosing to hold on to their beliefs and express their shock and confusion. For example, when we observe people read the paper or listen to the news, don't we often hear them complaining, in shock and confusion, how "messed up" this world is. Etc., etc., etc.

What perceptions create shock? Shock seems the same as "surprised" or "disappointed". I'm surprised (or shocked) when something happens that I'm not expecting. Is that the same for you? If so, then it seems that it is our set of expectations that we need to examine to see if they are based on reality. If they are, I suggest that there would be no shock.  On the other hand, when people ACT out of line with reality, we are bound to be shocked ... IF we expect ALL people to act sanely ALL the time. (LOL!) Where I work (a hospital for the criminally insane), I'm not often shocked at what I see. Repulsed? Yes! Shocked? No. I've decided not to give up my beliefs about what is repulsive. So, I am sometimes repulsed by what goes on there.

- by John Fisher, LCSW, fellow moderator at our super-loving, feelings-based online support group called 2GetHelp.  http://groups.msn.com/2GetHelp

Dealing with Feelings

Day 88 of 100:  How do you deal with negative feelings?

We call it "sitting through" the feelings.  When something really negative comes up for you (like sadness, fear, guilt, or anger), sometimes it's best not to DO anything with it, at all.  Just "sit through" the feeling.

Like with Urges, most feelings will pass, if left alone.  Don't fight with 'em.  Don't analyze the heck out of 'em.  Don't try to eat 'em away, or drink 'em away, or drug 'em away... just Sit with them and they will probably pass. 

The most important thing is to acknowledge and accept what you feel.  Sometimes they need to be Expressed, sometimes not.  If it gets really bad, or lingers for days and weeks, then it's time to get in and Express those feelings, and you may need to get some help with that.  But many feelings are short-lived and can be resolved by just "sitting through them", knowing they will pass.

Almost There

Day 87 of 100:  We're almost done with this series.

Well, we're on Day 87, and almost done with this series of Emotional Lessons (thanks for hangin' in there with me!). 

So, as we say at our powerful ND class...
NOW WHAT?!?

Now that we know all this cool info and have these new skills, Now what?  Are we "done"?  Are we "there"?  I don't think so.  I believe it's a life-long quest (which, personally, I'm excited about).

In fact, knowing all this Feelings stuff gives us:

• Responsibility for our lives
• Control over our lives
• Responsibility to help others' with theirs (to some extent)
• Freedom!!
• Ability to be "Fully Expressed"
• Ability to get along better with others
• Enjoy being alone more
• We'll probably live longer
• We'll definitely laugh more
• We'll probably cry more, too (but that's ok)
• ... and many, many other tangible and intangible benefits!

"The Last Great Adventure -- the Journey Inward!"

- Matt Perelstein

How's your journey going?

Denial and Defensiveness

Day 86 of 100:  What's our purpose in defending ourselves?

I have come to believe that being Defensive is a waste of time.

If I am wrong, I need to learn from it.
If I am right, right is it's own defense.

So what's the purpose of our denial?

Is it that we can't handle the truth?
Is it that we feel we need to protect ourselves from our feelings?
Is it that we are afraid of other people's judgments or abandonment?

"What we protect, we make Weak."

- Doc Downing, Ph.D, LMFT

Are we so weak that we need to be protected (even from ourselves)?

How we Learn

Day 85 of 100:  There are steps we go through in learning anything new.

The 4 Steps to Learning

1.  Unconsciously Incompetent
(we don't know that we don't know)

2.  Consciously Incompetent
(we find out that we don't know)

3.  Consciously Competent
(we find out how to know)

4.  Unconsciously Competent
(we know without having to think about it)

see chart

Powerpoint presentation

Acceptance

Day 84 of 100:  Can you accept other people's Reality, even if you don't Agree with it?

"Feelings need to be Accepted... but Acceptance does not necessarily mean Approval."

- Doc Downing, Ph.D, LMFT

Each one of us has our own reality, ones we have created out of our beliefs, values, expectations and conclusions about ourselves and others.  You can choose to judge these differences betwen realitites as "interesting" rather than "wrong".

My feelings are real for me and only as I feel safe in your acceptance of my feelings, will I become willing to look at my beliefs and possibly be open to changing them.

"Convince a man against his will and he is of the same opinion still."

Everyone has his or her own reality.  This must be respected.  Trying to change someone else's reality by using logical arguments seldom wins anything.

The more powerless you feel, the more you will feel the need to WIN, and the less open you become to other people's realities.

Know your Feelings, Know your Self!

Day 83 of 100:  How aware are you?

"If you know what you Feel, you'll know who you are and what you want!"

- Doc Downing, Ph.D, LMFT

• "Who am I?"
• "What am I doing here?"
• "What is my life about?"

These are basic questions that we've all had to answer at some point in our lives.  Some people grow old having Never answered these questions with real certainty (what a shame).  And the answer to all your basic life questions lies within yourself, within your Spirit, within your Feelings & Emotions.

So,
"Who am I?"  I am a man who loves, who gives, who feels, who Lives.
"What am I doing here?"  I am here to help make the world a better place, to help people make their lives Look, and more importantly Feel, better than than they ever thought possible.
"What is my life about?"  It's about sharing, about setting an example, about being the person that others would look up to, and a person they would want to be.

These answers all come from my Feelings.  I want to Feel successful.  I want to Feel that I make a difference.  I want to Feel like my life matters, to myself and to others.

• What do you Feel?
• What do you want to Feel, on your last day -- on your deathbed?
• What mark do you feel you'd want to make on the world?

All Feelings!  Write down your answers (and send them to me, if you'd like).

Go get 'em.
- Matt

10 Ways to Live Longer

Day 82 of 100:  Hints on How your Feelings can help your Life

10 ways to live longer

Great Article

According to Forbes, below are some practical ways to live longer, healthier lives. And Yes, most have to do with FEELING better = Live Longer.  5 out of 10 are feeling-based and ALL are behaviour based... and we know that all Behaviours are based on Feelings.

There's even a nice little Slideshow to help make these points.
1. Don't oversleep

2. Be optimistic

3. Have more sex

4. Get a pet

5. Get a VAP cholestorol test

6. Be rich

7. Stop smoking

8. Chill out

9. Eat your antioxidants

10. Marry well

Here's a powerful quote:

"A study led by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in 2002 found that men who were classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease when compared to men who reported lower anger responses. Furthermore, they were over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55."

Read on... good stuff.

Great Article

According to Forbes, below are some practical ways to live longer, healthier lives. And Yes, most have to do with FEELING better = Live Longer.  5 out of 10 are feeling-based and ALL are behaviour based... and we know that all Behaviours are based on Feelings.

There's even a nice little Slideshow to help make these points.
1. Don't oversleep

2. Be optimistic

3. Have more sex

4. Get a pet

5. Get a VAP cholestorol test

6. Be rich

7. Stop smoking

8. Chill out

9. Eat your antioxidants

10. Marry well

Here's a powerful quote:

"A study led by the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in 2002 found that men who were classified as having the highest level of anger in response to stress were over three times more likely to develop premature heart disease when compared to men who reported lower anger responses. Furthermore, they were over six times more likely to have a heart attack by the age of 55."

Read on... good stuff.